This summer, I did the scariest thing possible for someone working in education policy: I went back into the classroom to work as a teacher. In between lesson plans, data analysis, and parent-teacher conferences, the entire school took a group picture to commemorate the students’ hard work. Scrunched together, several of the older boys began to lie on one another, each resting his head on the lower waist of the boy behind him. There was nothing sexual about their head placement, until one of the male teachers reminded the boys that they were “acting gay” and that this type of behavior would be punished if it continued.
Continue reading ‘Straightening Up’ the Classroom
Tag Archives: gay parenting tips
Gay Foster Kids’ Discrimination Battle Heats Up In States
Sixto Cancel says his ultra-religious foster family frequently talked about their disdain for his homosexuality at the dinner table, trashed his room and called him homophobic slurs. While he was still a teenager, he says, they kicked him out of their Connecticut home after he had lived there for nearly a decade.
“I’ve had foster homes who completely said you can’t live here if you’re gay,” said Cancel, a 21-year-old student at Virginia Commonwealth University who bounced between half a dozen foster homes while in care. “For a long time I had that self-hatred and uncomfortableness with who I am.”
Discrimination against gay and lesbian youths in foster care is prevalent enough around the country that federal health officials sent a letter in 2011 encouraging states to develop training for caseworkers and foster parents on the issue. Advocates in a handful of states including Florida, California, Connecticut, Illinois and Massachusetts have increased efforts to train caseworkers, recruit foster parents and assign mentors. Officials don’t want to force youths to disclose their sexuality, but must try to create environments where they feel safe to come out when ready. Without such support, the federal government memo says, gay and lesbian youths who leave the foster care system can wind up homeless
Continue reading Gay Foster Kids’ Discrimination Battle Heats Up In States
Yes, You Can Be Gay And Christian
The Pew Research Center released a study last week that examined the lives of LGBT Americans. One portion of the study, which has garnered significant media attention is the relationship between LGBT people and religion. The study found that LGBT people tended to be more religiously affiliated than the general population, and views all major religions as unfriendly toward LGBT people.
The Pew study found that just less than half (48 percent) of LGBT people have no religious affiliation which is significantly more than the 20 percent of the general public.
Some anti-gay activists will look at this figure and say, “Aha! See? Those LGBT people are anti-Christian. Look, half of them even eschew religion of any kind!”
Continue reading Yes, You Can Be Gay And Christian
Transgender ID Cards: Are The ‘M’ And ‘F’ Outdated?
Lauren Grey didn’t think much about the gender recorded on her Illinois driver’s license until she went to test-drive a new car. Although she had been living as a woman for months and easily obtained a license with her new name and a picture reflecting her feminine appearance, Grey’s ID still identified her as male, puzzling the salesmen and prompting uncomfortable questions.
“They are like, `This doesn’t match.’ Then you have to go into the story: `I was born male, but now I’m not,'” said Grey, 38, a graphic designer living in suburban Chicago. “And they are like, `What does that mean?’ It was super embarrassing.” Similarly awkward conversations ensued when she tried to rent an apartment, went to bars or was taken out of airport security lines for inspection.
Most U.S. residents don’t think twice about the gender printed on their government-issued documents. But those “M” or “F” markers – and the legal and administrative prerequisites for switching them on passports, birth certificates and other forms of identification – are a source of anxiety and, even, discrimination for transgender individuals.
The rules vary from state to state, agency to agency and even clerk to clerk. But a transgender applicant generally has been required to submit both a court order approving the gender change and a letter from a surgeon certifying that the person underwent irreversible sex reassignment surgery before obtaining a new document.
Over the last few years, though, the emerging movement for transgender rights has been quietly pressing the issue, persuading state lawmakers and federal and state agencies to simplify the lengthy and often costly process. Advocates recorded their latest victory Friday, when the Social Security Administration announced that it would no longer require proof of surgery to alter the gender identification of individuals in its computers and records.
The move mirrors similar actions by the U.S. State Department, which amended its passport application policies three years ago to do away with the sex reassignment surgery requirement, and U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, which last year did the same for green cards, work permits and other documents it issues.
“Most people may not see this as a big deal, but transgender people know that this seemingly small technical change will protect their privacy and give them more control over their own lives,” Mara Keisling, executive director of the National Center for Transgender Equality, said. “Since 9/11, it’s become … incredibly important to have accurate and consistent identification. Without it, you can’t open a bank account, you can’t use a credit card, you can’t apply for a loan, you can’t get a job, you can’t vote, you can’t get insurance.”
As a result of lawsuits and lobbying, about half of U.S. states – most recently Illinois, Alaska, Virginia and Idaho – now allow residents to revise the gender designations on their driver’s licenses without first undergoing surgery or getting a judge’s approval. Applicants instead must provide a letter from a health professional stating they have received counseling, hormone therapy or another form of gender-transition treatment.
Holding mismatched identification also exposes transgender people to the threat of discrimination or violence, advocates say. A 2008 survey of 6,450 transgender people conducted by the National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force found that 40 percent of respondents had been harassed after presenting an ID that conflicted with how they looked. Three percent reported being attacked, and 15 percent said they had been refused service.
State motor vehicle and vital records departments do not keep count of the number of people who seek to amend the gender markers on driver’s licenses and birth certificates each year. The Williams Institute, a UCLA-based think tank, estimates that 0.3 percent of the adult population in the United States identifies as transgender, or about 698,000 people.
The trend toward making it easier to update such information reflects not only the community’s growing visibility but evolving ideas about what it means to be transgender. While sex reassignment surgery used to be the benchmark for when a person had fully transitioned to the opposite sex, doctors and psychologists now recognize that not every patient wants to be surgically transformed, or can afford the surgery.
“The gender-change process that was used in many states for identity documents was established in the 1970s, and our understanding of who trans people are … has evolved over time,” said Masen Davis, executive director of the Transgender Law Center. “What you see happening today is a reflection of that reality.”
Meanwhile, acquiring a new birth certificate still requires proof of surgery in all but three states: Washington, California and Vermont, according to research by Lisa Mottet, director of the Transgender Rights Project at the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. Twenty-four states amend existing birth certificates instead of issuing new ones, a practice that advocates say violates the privacy of transgender people who could be “outed” when they need to show documents that still reflect their biological gender. Another three states, Idaho, Tennessee and Ohio, will not change the gender on a birth certificate under any circumstances.
In California, which in 1977 became the first state to allow transsexuals to secure new birth certificates once they had undergone surgery, streamlining the procedures has been a multi-year endeavor. Supporters persuaded the Legislature in 2011 to eliminate the surgery requirement. This year, they are trying to create an administrative process that would allow a new birth certificate to be issued without a court order or legal notice in a local newspaper.
Assemblyman Don Wagner voted against both bills, along with many of his fellow Republicans. Wagner says that although he empathizes with people who find the system cumbersome or cost-prohibitive, he is concerned that eliminating long-standing hurdles creates opportunities for identity fraud.
“There should be substantial evidence to make the change, and I feel these bills perhaps lessen that standard,” he said.
Mottet thinks that worries about identity fraud are unwarranted.
“There is no financial incentive or social incentive to have on your documents a gender that doesn’t match who you are. If John Johnson has a criminal record, it doesn’t help him to have a driver’s license or birth certificate listing him as female,” she said.
Ben Hudson, the director of a Sacramento health clinic that provides treatment vertification for transgender people seeking to update their IDs, said a bigger problem is transgender people receiving outdated instructions from employees charged with processing their paperwork. Just last week, he heard from a client who had gone to the local Social Security office to apply for a card showing her new name. The clerk told her – wrongly – that she needed proof of surgery.
“She had the gumption to ask for a manger. But can you imagine how it adds to your anxiety and depression to be turned away after you worked up the nerve to go into that office and tell your story?” Hudson said. “A lot of transgender people are going to want to just tuck tail and run.”
This article was reposted from HuffingtonPost
Is Being Straight a ‘Lifestyle Choice’?
If you are straight and oppose equality for gay and lesbian people, I’d like you to reflect on two specific questions. Firstly, when did you “choose” to be straight? Secondly, do you think being straight is a “lifestyle choice”?
Based on knowledge of your own sexuality, you may think these questions are totally ridiculous, or you may not even understand what they are referring to. Straight people are rarely asked such questions, and it explains, in part, why a video exploring the topic recently went viral online, garnering millions of views.
Frustratingly, gay and lesbian people are repeatedly subjected to this bizarre line of questioning (about our sexuality), both in our day-to-day lives and in our quest for equality at a political and societal level. Not only is this notion that people choose to be gay or lesbian totally absurd, but it demonstrates a lack of understanding of two different components of human sexuality: sexual orientation and sexual behavior.
Continue reading Is Being Straight a ‘Lifestyle Choice’?
LGBT Youth And Suicide Study
Each year, one out of every three gay, lesbian or bisexual students in the San Francisco Unified School District reportedly attempts suicide. For transgender students, that number jumps to nearly one in two.
These statistics were captured in a 2011 survey of nearly 5,000 SFUSD middle and high school students developed by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, and have inspired an aggressive anti-suicide campaign in San Francisco schools.
“The numbers about suicides are the final statistics in a series of statistics that start with lack of safety,” said Jodi Schwartz, executive director of the Lavender Youth Recreation and Information Center, an organization that supports LGBTQ youth.
Continue reading LGBT Youth And Suicide Study
LGBT Americans Feel Growing Acceptance
The vast majority of LGBT Americans feel that society has become more accepting of them in the last decade, yet many still feel stigmatized, according to a survey released Thursday from the non-partisan Pew Research Center.
In the survey, conducted online among 1,197 self-identified gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender adults, 92 percent of respondents said they feel society has become more accepting in the past decade, and the same percent said society will be more accepting in another 10 years.
But only 19 percent of LGBT adults said they experience “a lot” of social acceptance, and 53 percent said there continues to be “a lot” of discrimination against LGBT people. About 39 percent said that at some point in their lives, they were rejected by a family member or close friend because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Thirty percent said they have been physically attacked or threatened and 21 percent said they have been treated unfairly by an employer.
Continue reading LGBT Americans Feel Growing Acceptance
The Dance
The wedding invitation came addressed to our entire family, a detail that made me cringe. A daughter of dear friends was getting married and the honor of our presence was requested, or so the invitation proclaimed. Deep down I knew the sentiment was sincere — that they truly did want our family of four to be their guests — but that meant subjecting us to a host of potentially awkward situations. Situations I just didn’t want to face.
The year was 2010. Sam was 13 and had transitioned a few months earlier, but many people in our lives had yet to come face-to-face with him living as a young man. They knew because we told them or the grapevine had, but experience taught us that knowledge does not eliminate the uncomfortable feelings that accompany those first post transition meetings. It’s that proverbial elephant-in-the-room type of occasion, but without a handler holding a whip to keep the situation from escalating into a stampede of embarrassing looks, comments and actions.
Continue reading The Dance
To Christian Parents of Gay Children
You want to shove those words back in and put the lid on. But you can’t. Your child is gay. This goes against everything you’ve been taught. It was not what you had in mind, and you instantly wonder where you went wrong.
When you become a parent, you know to expect the unexpected. But for most Christian parents, nothing can prepare them to hear that their beloved child is gay. This is the child you have cradled, spoon fed mashed bananas, and dreamed a beautiful future for. How could this be? What will the church say? What will your friends say? What does the future hold? You can’t even get your head around this.
If you are a Christian parent, family member or friend to whom your loved one has come out as gay or lesbian, then this is for you. I invite you to sit down, relax, maybe get a cup of tea, and soak in what I’m about to tell you. My hope is to guide you as we walk for a bit through this maze of confusion, to help you find your way to wholeness.
In most Christian circles, this is not good news, and you may begin to spiral into reflection and self-searching. We’ll get to that. But at the bottom of it all, this is not about you. Most parents’ first mistake is to make it about them instead of about their son or daughter.
So let’s talk about some of the major stumbling blocks for Christian parents.
- This is not an offense against you. This is not something your child did to you. They did not “choose gayness” to rebel against you, get back at you or make your life miserable. In fact, it really has nothing do with you. You did not cause this; it’s not a failure on your part. As a younger Christian, taught that homosexuality is a sin, I believed that trauma somewhere in someone’s past caused homosexuality, even if they didn’t remember it. To my surprise, God completely shifted my understanding and revealed to me the many people who had a great childhood and are still gay. He also reminded me of the many straight people who had traumatic childhoods, yet remained straight. Your expectations may lay shattered at your feet. But those are your expectations for your child. Quite simply, they may not God’s expectations. Ask God to replace your vision for your child with His.
- This orientation is not news to your child. They likely did not tell you the first time they noticed their same-sex attraction. In fact, they have probably lived with this quite a long time. They had to discover how true it was. They had to watch other young teens grow into puberty, and realize they weren’t developing the same feelings. Perhaps they dated the opposite gender to see if passion might develop, and yet none did. By the time they come out to you, they are pretty sure of what they’re saying. You may have to work through a slate of brand new emotions about this, and your emotions will affect them, but theirs are not brand new. Do not ask them if they are sure, if maybe they want to take a little time and see what happens. Instead, consider the journey they have been through. Ask them things like, “When did you know?” “How long have you felt this way?” and tell them how you are grateful that they are including you, that they don’t have to go through this alone anymore.
- Now is a key time to embrace your child. Imagine for a moment the courage it took to tell you about their sexuality, especially when they know it seems to contradict your core beliefs. In this moment, your child needs to know he did the right thing by telling you. You may flood with fear, doubt, anger, grief, disappointment, shame, anguish or guilt, but do not let those hinder you from expressing your unconditional love and admiration for your child. Your child will have their own list of emotions to deal with; don’t hand them yours. Give yourself time to process all of your own emotions. Be kind to yourself and your child through this.
- They were terrified to tell you. The risk they took is very real. Some gay teens have been shamed, banished, threatened, beaten, and shunned. They know that once it is said, it cannot be unsaid. They took this chance either because they trusted you and hoped for the best, or because they could not stand to live inauthentically any longer. You have a strong child. Be proud. You have the opportunity to make the most of their trust and come through for them with the unconditional love of a parent. That’s your job as a parent and a Christian — to love unconditionally.
- Praying, wishing and believing will not make your child straight. If doing these things meant that homosexuality would not visit a Christian home, then we wouldn’t see it cropping up so often. I have heard countless stories of people who prayed without ceasing, but nothing changed. Picture with me the false faith-healers who pray to heal audience members’ maladies; when there is no result, those charlatans tell the poor kid in the wheelchair, “Maybe next time you’ll have enough faith to be healed.” Where does that place the blame? If anyone has ever been healed in that setting, it is God’s choice, not the one in the wheelchair. Has anyone prayed themselves straight? I don’t know. Meanwhile, countless stories of those who prayed, did everything right, followed every suggestion, and poured themselves wholeheartedly into being straight–only to experience disappointment and self-loathing. Your child does not deserve this.
- For teens, there are still many changes to come. Don’t panic! Let them discover themselves. What did you know at 18 that you feel the same about today? Come to think of it, sexual orientation is probably one of the few things you were sure about. Do not require a certain life path for your son or daughter at this time when the world is their oyster. Haven’t we yet learned how crippling it is to have to please someone else? Do not tell them that it is a phase that will wear off. Acknowledge how far they have come, that they have an exciting future, and that you will be with them every step of the way. If they discover that their orientation may not be what they thought, then they alone will discover that. Telling them you are praying that they change, or that they will likely “straighten out” as they get older, will only distance them from you. Worst of all, do not send them to “reorientation” camp. This traumatizes countless teens, cementing deep shame and self-hatred.
- Adult children are out of your hands. Even more than teens, adult children are beyond your parental authority. You have done your best as a parent, however flawed you were. (We all were!) You must trust God with this child you have raised. Embrace them and love them as a fellow believer–Jesus asks that of you. Do not shun them or take other action, which will only alienate you from their lives. Instead, look forward to the many major life events ahead, and be there for them as you wanted your parents to be there for you.
- Put other peoples’ responses aside. The opinion of your pastor, your Bible group, or your extended family are not as important as your son or daughter’s well-being. Put others’ opinions aside and focus on how God would lead you specifically. If you can’t say in your heart that your child is more important than others’ opinions, then seek the Lord about this and ask Him to restore your priorities.
- Bear your son’s or daughter’s burdens. Let the weight of unanswered questions and discomfort rest on you. You are not the one being pressured to change your identity. Your child has the whole rest of the world to navigate; you are uniquely equipped to help bear their burden and so fulfill the law of Christ, as Galatians 6:2 tells us. Your relationship with your child calls for that much. Don’t press for answers or easy solutions. As with other big events in life, get comfortable with not knowing, and patiently let God reveal answers in His timing.
- Finally, remember that we are not responsible to change people’s behavior. Not our job, even with our children, especially as they get older. If you think you’re going to make your pianist into a football player, give it up now. Jesus is not about behavior modification; He is about life, His life flowing through us. That is what grace (kharis) means — to let Jesus’ love flow through us instead of feeling obligated to fix everything. Your job is to love people, especially your child. Let God use this situation to show you what it means to love unconditionally. While we love others, God is at work in ways we can’t see.
This road is likely not one you would have chosen, nor initially welcomed. But if you seek Him, God will show you the beauty of the journey. Perhaps God has chosen you for such a time as this, to shine His love amidst all the anger and hate (even if your beliefs about it never change). Perhaps He will work through you to restore His name that has been so maligned to a group of people who need Him — as we all do.
God is good at giving us quandaries we didn’t expect, to rock our little tiny worldviews. He shakes everything that can be shaken until all that’s left is what is unshakeable. Cling to Him in this time, and He will bring about something wonderful — for you and your family.
This article was reposted from FreedHearts
A Mother’s Heartbreaking Tale of Losing Her Gay Son
The Religious Right hates it when we point out that their teachings are directly related to the problems of bullying,depression, self-loathing and suicide. We don’t point this out to be mean, or as a smear. We point it out because it’s true, but we also understand that many run-of-the-mill Fundamentalists truly believe they’re doing the right thing when it comes to society, the LGBT community and their own children.
This is the disconnect in messaging, because, aside from from Religious Right leaders who actually do know better, yet are motivated by obscene anti-gay animus and thus continue to lie, many religious people are hurting their own families and they don’t know it. Sometimes the results are tragic.
On a blog called FreedHearts, the writer shares a Facebook post from a Christian mother she knows personally, describing a journey that started when her twelve-year old son came out to her, and ended tragically just when she and her husband were finally starting to “get it.” She describes mistakes she made, led by her beliefs, which ultimately contributed to her son’s self-loathing. It’s such a sad story, because you can tell from reading it that she and her husband truly thought they were acting in love. This is a story that every Conservative Christian parent needs to read, and understand that yes, it can happen to you.
The mother describes what happened when her son came out to her over instant messenger, and what came afterward. I’m excerpting a lot, because it’s important. All emphasis is mine:
We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR. We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible to be the Word of God should say:
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.
We love you. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.
We love you. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.
We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.
Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between Jesus and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between God and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime of loneliness (never to fall in love, have his first kiss, hold hands, share intimacy companionship, experience romance), but it also meant the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly, enthusiastically participated in all the church youth group events and Bible Studies, got baptized, read all the books that claimed to know where his gay feelings came from, dove into counseling to further discover the “why’s” of his unwanted attraction to other guys, worked through painful conflict resolution with my husband and I, and built strong friendships with other guys – straight guys – just like he was told to. He even came out to his entire youth group, giving his testimony of how God had rescued him from the traps of the enemy, and sharing – by memory – verse after verse that God had used to draw Ryan to Himself.
But nothing changed. God didn’t answer his prayer – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.
Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.
And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.
We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself.
These are the wages of listening to Linda Harvey. These are the wages of listening to Porno Pete. Tony Perkins. Bryan Fischer. Maggie Gallagher. Brian Brown. Run of the mill Christian pastors who preach against the evils of homosexuality. This is where that can and does lead.
Ryan is now dead. Having fallen into addiction and then moved into recovery, he made the mistake of meeting up with his old addict friends, thinking he would be okay. He was not, and now this family has to suffer every day without their son.
They thought they were being loving, but they had listened to religious leaders who told them that homosexuality was a grave sin; they had listened to the lies of the “ex-gay” industry and its professional salesmen in the Religious Right, believing that Ryan’s homosexuality could be “overcome”; they believed that the warped fundamentalist version of “holiness” was more important than “wholeness”; and in all likelihood, the people surrounding them in their church community reinforced the idea that what they were doing was right.
My heart breaks for this family. In the comments section at the source blog, I see a few comments from out gay people who are expressing anger at this mother. I would suggest that that is misdirected. She’s as much a victim of this ideology as her son was. No, please, direct your anger at the religious leaders of the world who would deny reality for the sake of their backwards religious beliefs, indoctrinating their followers to the point that it makes sense to let a family fall apart and to teach an innocent kid to hate himself simply for knowing the truth about who he is. They, who style themselves as “pro-family,” are the ones destroying lives, and it has to stop.
If you know Christian parents, send them this story. Even if those parents are already supportive, they might know parents who aren’t. This kind of spiritual torture has to stop.
This article was reposted from TruthWinsOut.org
Rainbow Summits Project: Raising Awareness About LGBT Youth In Distress
I stood up and looked into the darkness. Somewhere beyond the small circle of light illuminated by my headlamp was my destination, the summit of Mount Everest, my sixth ascent of the “Seven Summits” — the highest mountain on each continent. It meant I was now very close, just one mountain away, from becoming the first openly gay person to accomplish this feat as part of my Rainbow Summits Project. It was close, but still out of sight. I was at 28,707 feet — just 296 vertical feet below the highest point on Earth — behind me a snake of over 75 people climbing up towards the summit. It was time to move on and finish my cold and windy quest…
Continue reading Rainbow Summits Project: Raising Awareness About LGBT Youth In Distress
Children Are Thriving In Same-Sex Families
The Australian Study of Child Health in Same-Sex Families is the world’s largest attempt to study how children raised by same-sex couples compare to children raised by heterosexual couples.
According to a preliminary report on the study of 500 children across the country of Australia, these young people are not only thriving, but also have higher rates of family cohesion than other families:
An interim report found there was no statistical difference between children of same-sex couples and the rest of the population on indicators including self-esteem, emotional behaviour and the amount of time spent with parents.
However, children of same-sex couples scored higher than the national average for overall health and family cohesion, measuring how well a family gets along.
‘I’m having a lesbian’ billboard launched for gay marriage campaign
Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays spokeswoman Shelley Argent said the campaign was designed to garner support from mainstream families for gay marriage, on the grounds that gay children were “born that way”.
“Being lesbian or gay is not a choice,” she said. “It’s got nothing to do with culture or parenting skills. “It’s just the way you are. You’re born that way.”
The billboard shows a smiling woman baring her pregnant belly, with the slogan, “Congratulations, you’re having a lesbian”.
Billboard giant GOA has donated space for the ads, worth up to $60,000, in Queensland.
GOA managing director Chris Tyquin said he would ask interstate billboard companies to donate space as well. “I’ve got very close friends who have got children who are gay,” he said. “If you have a child who walks in and tells you they’re gay, you’d still love them just as much as you did before.”
The campaign is the brainchild of Steve Minon, a freelance advertising creative director from Brisbane, who donated his time.
“It is designed to get people thinking, and challenge them a little,” he said. “We’re trying to point out to any family that marriage equality can be your number one priority, without your knowing about it.”
The billboard is accompanied by a YouTube video - “What R U having?” - featuring a woman having an ultrasound.
“You’re having a lesbian!” the doctor tells the overjoyed parents.
The campaign’s theme is that “any child can be born gay.”
This article was reposted from News.Com.AU
NYC Seeks More Gay And Lesbian Foster Parents
New York City’s child welfare agency wants more gay and lesbian foster parents.
The Administration for Children’s Services is launching a campaign to expand the kinds of families who consider fostering and also to find welcoming homes for children who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, The Wall Street Journal reported.
One of the ads set to roll out this week features an interracial gay couple making dinner with a child with the message, “Be the reason she has hope.”
Another ad features a foster mother with a teenage boy with the message, “Be the reason it gets better.” The ad calls for New Yorkers to “help an LGBTQ child by becoming an LGBTQ-affirming foster or adoptive parent.”
Continue reading NYC Seeks More Gay And Lesbian Foster Parents
Immigration Reform Should Include Our Parents Too
Gay DREAMer Jorge Gutierrez’s mother fought for him to thrive, and now he’s fighting for her to remain in the U.S.
My mother is a lioness, a woman with a second-grade education but with plenty of compassion, intelligence and wisdom. She inspired me to have the courage to say proudly and unashamedly: I am queer and undocumented.
I am UndocuQueer.
Like me, my mother is also undocumented. But while I have access to a pathway to citizenship under proposed immigration legislation because I am college-educated, she does not. That is not OK.
I vividly remember my family’s days in Nayarit, Mexico, when there were times we had no food to eat, but my amazing mother would knock on doors trying to find jobs to provide a meal for my siblings and me. Eighteen years later she is still as hardworking as ever and still willing to do anything and everything for her children.
Continue reading Immigration Reform Should Include Our Parents Too
Why Bias Puts Young Gays’ Health At Risk
(CNN) — When I was 8, I joined the Boy Scouts. I lasted three weeks-couldn’t get the hang of all that knot tying, and no one was interested in singing show tunes around the campfire. I was gay and I knew it. At that time, revealing my sexual identity would have resulted in my exclusion from Scouting. Until the Boy Scouts of America’s historic May 23 vote — which allows gay youth to join the scouts, but upholds the ban on gay adult leaders — thousands of boys across the country faced similar discrimination from the Scouts, who actively and vocally banned gays.
Continue reading Why Bias Puts Young Gays’ Health At Risk
What to Expect When You’re Expecting… and Gay
So you’re going to be a gay parent? Congratulations! No doubt you’ve been through a lot to get to this point, whether you’ve traveled the path of adoption, IVF, artificial insemination, surrogacy, fostering or whatever. Now, you have a lot to do to get ready.
Don’t worry. This isn’t going to be one of those typical posts that tells you to stock up on diapers and learn CPR. Most gay parents are overachievers on that front, I’d guess, since we’ve been planning our families for so long. I know I couldn’t wait to sign up for baby classes.
I wanted to write this post specifically for you, though, the expectant gay parent, because there’s a whole lot of important parenting stuff they’re not going to cover in those baby classes that applies directly to you. There are some special things you’re going to experience because you have a non-traditional family, and I’ve encountered them, so I wanted to give you my tips on how to deal with them.
Continue reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting… and Gay
Being Transgender Today
Throughout history, Transgender individuals have been present, at times even revered, but today, in the United States, they struggle for visibility, protection, and acceptance even among other minorities.
With the list of states legalizing gay marriage growing and broad acceptance into pop culture, the gay and lesbian population has gained increased visibility and protection. However, transgender people have not been afforded the same rights. The numbers are one reason. In the United States, there are 8 million people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. According to the Williams Institute at UCLA’s School of Law, there are only 700,000 transgender people in the United States.
In 2011, one transgender person was killed every month because of their identity, according to the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund. The National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force surveyed 6,450 transgender individuals in the United States in 2011. Of those surveyed, 41 percent reported that they had attempted suicide compared to 1.6 percent in the general population. Also, 64 percent had been sexually assaulted, and 55 percent had lost a job due to their identity. Of those who had established their transgender identity as school-age students, over 78 percent reported they had been harassed and 35 percent had been physically assaulted. Nearly 15 percent left school because the harassment was so severe.
Definitions
Many people still struggle with an exact definition of transgender, confusing it with other terms. Being transgender has nothing to do with sexual orientation, sex, or genitalia. Transgender is strictly about gender identity. Many transgender individuals don’t have sexual reassignment surgery for various reasons. Some cannot afford it. Often health insurance doesn’t cover the expensive surgeries. Some do not want to undergo procedures. For trans men, especially, the surgeries are difficult, often with disappointing results.
The term transgender, first used in the 1980s, is an umbrella term that includes any person going against the social norms of their biological gender. This includes transsexuals, people who alter their bodies with surgery, hormones, or both. Intersex people, those born with ambiguous genitalia, are usually considered separate from transgender. Cross-dresser is a term often confused with transgender, but it simply refers to a person of one gender who wears the clothing of the opposite sex. Cross-dressers do not necessarily desire to be the opposite gender. Another term often confused with transgender is transvestite. Transvestite is a synonym for cross-dresser; however, cross-dresser is the preferred term. Finally, the term drag refers to a style of dress worn for entertaining. Drag queen refers to men in female attire while drag king describes women in male clothing.
Lack of Protection and Support
Courts have struggled with how to protect and support the transgender community. The Equal Protection Clause and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 does not allow discrimination based on gender. The issue in courts is whether the protections apply to a person born of one gender, but presents her- or himself as another.
In 2008, a Washington D.C. court ruled against the Library of Congress for retracting a job offer from a woman after she informed them that she was transitioning from male to female. However, in a 2005 case, Etsitty v. Utah Transit Authority, a court ruled that the bus company was allowed to fire a male-to-female employee based on the liability to have someone with male sex organs using the women’s bathroom.
Texas has a law requiring two opposite-gender birth certificates for a couple to legally marry. In May 2011, Tennessee passed a law that only protects a person from discrimination according to the gender on his or her birth certificate. The law does not protect transgenders because Tennessee does not allow changes to a birth certificate. In June 2011, a gender identity anti-discrimination bill in New York failed to pass.
However, on November 23, 2011, Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick signed historic legislation that protects transgender individuals from discrimination in employment, education, housing, and credit. The law also provides additional protection against hate crimes. In doing so, Massachusetts became the 16th state to pass a law protecting transgender individuals. Of the new law, Attorney General Martha Coakley said, “For too long, transgender people have suffered in silence in seeking employment, safe housing, and educational opportunities. With the signing of this bill, Massachusetts has created a better, and fairer, future for all residents, regardless of their gender identity or expression.”
Psychiatrists have debated over the years how to define and support transgender individuals. In 1973, the term “homosexuality” was removed from the second edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM). However, in 1980, the term “transsexualism” was added to the DSM. In a later DSM volume, the term “transsexualism” was included under the controversial Gender Identity Disorder. In 2012, Gender Identity Disorder is currently under review for the next DSM volume.
Born This Way
Even among other minorities, transgenders have been discriminated against at times. For example, an annual feminist music festival very popular with the lesbian community, the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, has a strict policy of only allowing women who were born women. The exclusion has inspired an annual protest called Camp Trans. Held across from the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, Camp Trans works to educate attendees on the issue of trans inclusion.
With less visibility than other minorities, there are many forces working against Transgender individuals. However, a few influential people have shown their support. The biggest example is international music artist Lady Gaga. Through her music, videos, and charity work, Lady Gaga constantly speaks out for the transgender community. In the lyrics of her hit song, Born This Way, she includes transgenders in a verse about survival: “No matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgendered life. I’m on the right track, baby. I was born to survive.”
This article was reposted from InfoPlease.com
Coming Out As A Gay High School Athlete
I’m gay. And I play sports.
Yet in my hick-filled town in Alberta, Canada, my best friends, teammates, and my brothers on the ice and field tell me that gay guys can’t play sports.
I don’t blame them for their ignorance because until I build up the courage to walk out of the closet with my head held high, they have no idea who they’re really talking to.
Until I finally admitted to myself that I am in fact gay, I was in the exact same mind set as my teammates. The only gay person I had in my life was a fairly distant cousin. He’s great, but fits into the feminine gay stereotypes that don’t fit my mold. I knew myself well enough back then that there was no way I could ever fit into a twinky, skinny, feminine box. I also knew that girls weren’t for me. All of this led to a very confused adolescent. The only constant I had was my sports.
Hockey is my main passion and I’m happiest in the winter. My happiness suddenly died down when my coaches introduced us to the locker room showers. Some gay guys ask me why didn’t I just jump right in and admire, and it’s really not as simple as it seems. You should try not getting aroused in a room full of good-looking naked guys your age. I couldn’t do it. With my lack of bravery came years of mocking.
But everything always went smoothly in the dressing room. I would take the occasional peek and would hear the occasional joke. That was until one incredibly unlucky guy got a boner in the middle of a team shower. I felt bad for him because he was shunned and teased to no end. I was also kind of angry. I wasn’t too far away from coming out until my teammate’s unfortunate boner showed me the ferocity of my peers. The closet doors were now a million miles away.
Trapped and with nowhere to go I began searching on the internet for coming out stories from guys like me. To my disappointment, I couldn’t find anything besides stories of guys who went to arts schools and came out flawlessly or news articles of the boy who committed suicide because of the bullying he endured from his peers and “friends.” None of this was helping me out so I looked for something different.
I eventually found gay athletes on Twitter that were the opposite of the stereotype I was told I had to conform to and my eyes were opened up to a totally different gay guy, the gay guy who would disprove my mocking friends cruel and dismissive attitudes. This was who I wanted to be.
Twitter has become my way of expressing the feelings I’ve stuffed deep down in a titanium safe for years. I’ve opened up and my Twitter is my full personality. Meeting gay guys who have played hockey or rugby or any other sport allowed me to feel finally not alone.
In the four months since first clicking the sign up button, I have come out to 10 people close to me. Three of those people were guys on my team. Although they sometimes bug me about my being gay and I have to remind them I can still beat them up, they are accepting of me. I now feel like I am slowly but surely coming out through the locker room doors.
This article was reposted from theHomoLife.com
How to Talk To Your Children About Gay Parents, By a Gay Parent
Imagine you’re at the train station, taking your kids into the city to see the Lion King. A man steps off the train, and two toddlers run up to him shouting, “Daddy! Daddy!” He gives out two hugs and about a thousand kisses and tells them how much he missed them while he was at work. You’ve witnessed scenes like this many times, but as always, your heart melts. Then the dad stands up, walks a little further down the platform and kisses… another man.
Well, that’s different.
“How was your day?” the first guy asks, and the other one starts talking about who got time outs, why the kids have maple syrup in their hair and who flushed what down the toilet right before they left.
Continue reading How to Talk To Your Children About Gay Parents, By a Gay Parent
Gender-Bending Crime Fighter Hits Television, Stirs Up Controversy
There’s a new TV character in town, a 12-year-old-boy-turned-girl-crime-fighter on Hub‘s new children’s cartoon program, SheZow. Hub, a cable network owned by parent companies Discovery Communications and Hasbro Inc., is hoping their new superhero(ine) will bring in viewers and interest.
The Los Angeles Times reports:
In “SheZow,” a 12-year-old boy - named Guy - uses a magic ring to transform himself into a legendary crime fighter. When evi lurks, Guy says, “You go, girl!” and becomes SheZow.
“When I first heard about the show, my reaction was ‘Are you out of your minds?'” said Margaret Loesch, chief exeutive of the Hub. “Then I looked at it and thought, ‘This is just funny.'”
Not everyone is as amused as Loesch however. Conservative blog Breitbart tagged “SheZow” with the moniker of “transsexual” and reported:
Nothing says “child-appropriate material” quite like gender-bending underage superheroes…That show follows the adventures of a 12-year-old boy named Guy who uses a magic ring to transform himself into a crime-fighting girl. Yes, you read that correctly. When Guy says the magic words – “You go girl!” – he becomes SheZow, wearing a purple skirt and cape, as well as pink gloves and white boots.
Breitbart also suggests that Loesch “may or may not have been high (and leftist) when she greenlit this project.” The New York Daily News reported on GLAAD‘s response to the conservative backlash:
…a spokesman for GLAAD fired back that criticizing the animated series for “promoting” transgender themes is, well, cartoonish.
“This Breitbart News article is just a laughable attempt at attention seeking, comparable to Jerry Falwell attacking the Teletubbies, and demonstrates a profound ignorance of transgender people since this show doesn’t include any,” said GLAAD’s Rich Ferraro.
“SheZow” represents a departure from the more gender-constricted programming readily available for young children. However, Hub sees the new show as a possible boon to their business, which is currently struggling against juggernauts like Nickelodeon and Disney:
…who knows, maybe if “SheZow” is a hit, Hasbro can start merchandising her white go-go boots, and her ring.
“We’ll see, won’t we?” Loesch said
Here is the show’s intro:
This article was reposted from Towleroad.
Cross Dressing In Children
Cross dressing is when children want to wear the clothes that are usually worn by the other sex. What people of each sex wear is different in different parts of the world - for example in Scotland it has been quite usual for boys to wear kilts (skirts). It also changes over time.
Sixty years or more ago it would be unusual for girls to wear jeans (boys’ clothes) - but after the war there were lots of changes in what people wore. Nowadays it is more likely that girls will be allowed to dress in boys’ clothes than for boys to dress in girls’ clothes. Parents are often more likely to be worried if their son wants to wear dresses than if their daughter wants to wear jeans.
Cross dressing that most children do
- Children know by the time they are about three whether they are boys or girls. They can say “I am a boy” or “I am a girl”.
- A child does not understand until about the age of six that he or she will always be a boy or a girl. Before that children think their sex can be changed.
- It is usual for preschool boys and girls to dress up in clothes of the other sex as a way of trying out what it is like to be a man or a woman, a father or a mother.
- Generally this kind of cross dressing does not last. It is part of all of the child’s play activities, and not any more important to the child than other play.
- Cross dressing (dressing up) in play like this is a healthy way for young children to learn about and think about the world they live in.
Why children may cross dress a lot
Sometimes a child will want to dress in the clothes of the other sex for a lot of the time and it will seem to be very important to him or her.
Here are some of the reasons that this can happen.
- The child believes that his parents prefer children of the other sex. Perhaps there is a new baby of the other sex who seems to be special. The child then thinks the parents wanted the other sex and so he tries to change and be what he thinks they want.
- A parent continually puts down the parent of the same sex as the child. Sometimes parents even find fault with their own sex. A mother may say that it is no fun being a woman and the father may say the same sort of thing about women. This can make a young girl wish she was a boy.
- The child might think that the other sex has better clothes or toys. Sometimes girls get all the pretty things. Or sometimes boys may get the most exciting toys.
- The child does not have people of the same sex that he is close to, to copy the clothing and behaviour. Sometimes fathers are very busy, or working away from home or there may not be a dad in the family.
- The child has an unhappy relationship with adults of the same sex. The child might feel that the parent of the same sex does not like her.
- Some boys are happy about being boys but they don’t like the rough play that many boys do - they want to be different.
- Some girls enjoy the adventurous play that they see boys doing, even if other girls don’t want to play that way.
- Sometimes children cross dress because deep down they are really not happy about being the sex they are.
When children are not happy about being the sex they are
A few children feel deeply unhappy about being a boy or being a girl.
This can be a problem when a child continues to believe he or she is, or wishes he or she was, the other sex. Because it is not usually possible for people to change their sex (at least until they are grown up and then it is very difficult) it is very important that they can be happy with themselves as they are.
This kind of problem can start from birth or before, or at a very early age.
Usually if the child really wishes to be the other sex you will notice:
- Persistent cross dressing especially into the primary school years
- Always playing with other sex’s toys (for example a boy always wanting to play with toys that are usually thought of as girls’ toys)
- Usually drawing the other sex (for example boys usually drawing pictures of girls and women)
- The child persistently saying that she belongs to the other sex or wishes she was
- The child persistently saying that when she grows up she will be the other sex.
Sometimes parents worry that children who go on dressing in the clothes of the other sex over a long period of time will be homosexual.
- Even though homosexuality is accepted as a normal expression of sexuality for some people, parents may worry that their children will be unhappy or may feel uncomfortable about it themselves.
- Many children do not grow up to be transgendered or homosexual, however some do.
- If you are worried about this, talk to a doctor or child counsellor about it.
Note: Sometimes a child does not want to dress up in clothes of the other sex but will like to take a piece of his mother’s underclothes to bed with him for comfort. This is usually not because he is unhappy about his sex, but he may be feeling worried or stressed and having something of his mother’s to cuddle makes him feel better. Looking for the cause of the stress and dealing with it often helps with this.
What parents can do
Remember that it may be just dressing up play that all children do.
If you are worried and you feel that the cross dressing is more than the play that all children do, the first thing is to have a think about what is happening in your family and if there is anything that could be making your child feel unhappy about being the sex he is.
- Think about how old your child is, how long it has been going on and how important it is for the child.
- Have there been any stresses in your child’s life - a new baby in the family for instance?
- Does the child have an opportunity to be with loving adults of his or her own sex to learn about what it is like to be that sex?
- Has anyone been trying to stop the child from dressing up - and perhaps making him feel worse by calling him names such as “sissy”?
If it is just dressing up play you can be sure that this is healthy.
- Make sure there are plenty of interesting dress up clothes for both sexes.
- Get some attractive male dress up clothes such as silk superman cloaks with stars on them, circus performers, or wizards as well as fairy costumes and jewellery.
If there seems to be some kind of stress, you need to think about how you can make your child feel more secure.
- Teasing or name calling never helps. Children are likely to think they are what parents call them, and then to act like that.
- Spending lots of enjoyable time with a same sex parent or a grown up friend of the same sex is important.
- Make sure the child has the chance to play less rough games eg computer games, golf, art, drama, model making clubs etc.
- Notice when your child does what you want to see more of and what the child does well instead of criticising what you don’t like.
If your child really wishes to be the other sex in a lasting way (many children may say this occasionally), you cannot change this and he really needs your support and to know that you love him no matter what.
- Choose a school for the child where you know the staff are interested in making all children feel they are special and where they learn that to be different is OK.
- If your child is being bullied at school it may be helpful to talk to him about the things we do in private and those we do in public. Perhaps he could see cross dressing as something that is private at least until he is old enough and strong enough to cope with the other children.
- If the child is becoming really distressed some counselling may help.
- You cannot change a child who has a real problem with his sex but you need to remember that what children need most from their parents is unconditional love and acceptance. This is especially so if they do not fit the “norm” for the groups they move in.
- Remember that if we had a really accepting society we would care for all people no matter how different they are. Difference should not be a problem but something that makes our lives richer.
This article was reposted from CYH.com.
10 Things You Shouldn’t Say at a Gay Wedding
Now that New York has legalized gay marriage, you might start seeing more invitations to attend same-sex marriages. Here’s how to celebrate with the wedding couple and avoid putting your foot in your mouth.
Gay weddings look a lot like straight weddings — you’ve got your ceremony and ring exchange, good food and drink, and lots of dancing with the couple’s closest friends and family. Of course, there are several wedding traditions you probably won’t see (separating “the bride’s side” from “the groom’s side” comes to mind). So as a guest invited to a gay wedding, a good rule of thumb: Don’t assume all wedding traditions apply — and don’t say any of the following!
Continue reading 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say at a Gay Wedding
When You Think Your Son or Daughter is Gay
If you are concerned your child is gay, I’m glad you are here. It tells me you’re trying to accept and love your child. Many parents miss this opportunity and both the parents and children suffer. I’ve experienced homosexuality from many angles and feel the way it is handled is of utmost importance to foster a good relationship between parent and child. In this article, I will address the many assumptions parents and others make regarding whether a child is gay or not.
If there is one thing I would like you to take from this article, it is: Gay children who are not accepted by their parents have a higher risk of depression, suicide, drug use and having unsafe sex. Your love and acceptance could change all of those things.
Being a parent to gay child can be overwhelming even if you do not have an issue with homosexuality. You may worry about their safety, social acceptance, ability to get a job, having grandchildren, religious outlook and more. “What are we going to tell grandma?”
Not knowing if your child is gay or not can be equally overwhelming. There are many ways to help your child and help yourself. Sadly, many parents find themselves alienating their children and lose sight of what is truly important; their child’s love and well-being.
It seems that some parents have a heightened sensitivity to their children’s sexuality. Ingrained within us is a natural desire for our children to grow up “normal” without the hard knocks of society. We fear for our children getting hurt and being condemned by society.
We’ve planned play dates with other children to socialize them. We’ve bought our little boys trucks and basketballs and our little girls dresses and play make-up. We’ve dreamed of the day they grow up, marry and give us grandchildren. Anything that differs from our idea of what they “should be” in order to accomplish these ideals alarms us.
Some parents act on every little sign that their child is gay, only to find themselves doing seemingly crazy things to find out.
Take a look at these questions I’ve heard from parents. None of these situations confirm your child is gay. However, the way you react to them may be the difference in your child telling you the truth, if someday they realize they are gay.
“My 3 year old son wears my high-heels. Do you think he’s going to be gay when he grows up?”
Many young boys like to dress up like mommy. They find those strange looking shoes interesting and fun to walk in. Mommy’s dresses look pretty on her, so why not try them on for fun? I’ve seen many pictures of small boys in dresses and high-heels. Some boys even put on make-up and ask to have their picture taken. It’s normal behavior to experiment. We don’t ask the same questions when a little girl wants to wear her favorite blue jeans or put on daddy’s shoes. Let them explore and believe me, your son is not going to be gay just because he tried on some girly things.
If it turns out he is gay in the future, your reaction could leave a permanent mark. If you treat him like he’s done something wrong, he’ll believe being gay is also wrong. It won’t change the fact that he is gay, it will only preclude him from telling you.
Not to say that every little boy that dresses in girls clothing will be straight, but I know many men who are straight, happily married fathers with pictures of them in girls clothing as little boys.
“Johnny and my son play everyday. Their off to the basketball court to shoot hoops and seem like everyday boys. One day they hugged before going to their separate homes. When I ask him why he hugged Johnny he says, “I like Johnny.” Is my child gay?”
Hugging someone of the same sex does not indicate your child is gay. Many straight boys and girls hug their best friends. It’s a comfort measure and shouldn’t be looked upon as a gay action. While it’s true, they may in fact be gay, this is not a definitive marker. Girls frequently hug their female friends and no one thinks much about it. It isn’t as common for boys to hug their friends, but a boy comfortable in his sexuality may feel it’s no big deal. This is especially true if you’ve raised your son to be comfortable hugging people. His male friends are no exception.
“My son said, Johnny is cute. He’s definitely gay right?”
Surprisingly, no. Some children don’t realize the implication by saying such things. Besides, is Johnny a cute kid? Can’t a boy say so? Some of the interpretation has to come from the way he tells you Johnny is cute. Is he stating a fact or saying how he feels? Simply asking him how Johnny is cute can clear things up. Maybe he does think Johnny is soooo cuuuute! or perhaps, Johnny is cute because a girl at school said so, or Johnny is cute because he said something ridiculous and that’s the new trend at school.
“My son spends more time talking to boys on the phone than girls. Do I have a gay son?”
Some boys are very shy about talking to girls. They talk to their male friends about girls, sports, what’s on tv and how bad their fart smells. Some boys just don’t realize the rules of dating include calling their girlfriend on the phone.
Recently, my son’s girlfriend broke up with him because he didn’t call her. He said, “She didn’t give me her phone number.” I said, “Did you ask?” He said, “No, I didn’t want to seem pushy and I was afraid her dad would answer the phone.”
“My daughter asked to take another girl to the school dance as her date. Does that mean my daughter is gay?”
Some girls don’t have a boyfriend and in today’s world girls frequently go with other female friends to dances or even prom. It’s a safe way to go to these events and not feel alone as well as not be left out. While it may be an indication your daughter is gay, it’s not confirmed.
“My daughter said she likes a girl and she wants to date her. Is she gay?”
While it’s obvious your daughter is considering her sexuality, it’s not a hard-fast guarantee she is gay. Many teenagers, more often girls than boys, experiment with the idea of same sex relationships before settling on a heterosexual relationship.
You have a wonderful opportunity here to talk with her openly about her feelings and I suggest you do that with loving care. She’s telling you because she trusts you. You’ve proven you are a nurturing parent and she’s willing to hear your viewpoint. You don’t have to agree and you don’t have to bake a cake and have a party, but you don’t have to condemn her either. As a matter of fact, if you condemn her, she will likely run headlong into the relationship just to spite you. If she is gay, you will have created a barrier that will be hard to overcome.
Using tactics to prove your child is gay or straight.
Here are some things I’ve seen parents do and they simply don’t work…
One father pulls out magazines with swimsuit models to see if his son will take notice, while another tells gay jokes to see if his son will be offended.
A mother offers to take her daughter for birth control just to watch for a reaction or talks excessively about hunky men on television and asks which guy she thinks is cute.
Tests like these will not prove or disprove your child is gay. You’ll only make them uncomfortable and if they are gay, they won’t tell you.
Why won’t my child just tell me they’re gay?
It’s not always your fault when your child doesn’t tell you they are gay. Don’t take it personally.
Here are a few reasons your child may not tell you they are gay that have nothing to do with you. Obviously, if you are doing any of these things they could be the reason your child doesn’t tell you.
- Television shows gay people being abused, chastised and murdered just for being gay.
- Friends at school or other family members talk about gay people negatively, making them afraid to tell anyone.
- They play on a sports team and are afraid the other team members won’t let them to be part of the team.
- The church talks about homosexuality being a sin. Some people will deny being gay to prevent being kicked out of their church or chastised by the members.
- They don’t want to be gay and are doing everything they can to avoid it.
- They are not ready and/or don’t know how to deal with being gay.
- Some people don’t feel it necessary to share their personal feelings about anything, including being gay.
- They are ashamed and don’t want anyone to know.
- Sometimes they don’t even know they are gay.
- Maybe their not gay.
- There are things you may be doing that make them feel they cannot tell you.
- If your child feels you will over-react or have strong opinions about homosexuality, they will almost certainly keep the secret.
- If you tell gay jokes your child may feel embarrassed about telling you they are gay.
- If you talk badly about homosexuality your child may fear you will hate them for being gay.
- Gagging, gesturing or changing the channel when you see gay people on television will make them afraid to tell you.
What can I do to know if my child is gay or not?
There is no test. There is no perfect conversation. There is no amount of discontent that will change them.
Create a dialogue between you and your child. It’s best if you started this from the time you started talking to them as babies, but anytime is a good time to start. Let your child know you love them unconditionally and mean it.
Many parents say they love their child no matter what, but when confronted with things they disapprove of it becomes a gray area. Your child needs to know they can tell you anything and at the very least you will listen with an open ear and logically talk with them about their choices.
If you want your child to feel comfortable to openly tell you they are gay, leave the door open. You will not turn your child gay by letting them know you accept the idea. When you see gay people or talk about them make sure it isn’t negative. These are opportunities to express your acceptance towards gay people and open the door for your child to tell you about themselves.
If you’ve created an open dialogue with your child and you feel safe doing so, you can ask them how they feel about homosexuality and if it leads there, ask them if they’ve ever considered being gay. Be careful not to accuse or degrade the possibility if you want an honest answer. If a straight child feels like you think they are gay it can be equally harmful as not accepting a gay child.
If your child seems to be confused about their sexuality make them an appointment with a therapist who specializes in sexuality. Be careful not to choose a therapist that is based solely on a religious principle. Your child will feel alienated and as though there is no place to turn. They likely already feel alone.
Most importantly, don’t assume your child is gay until you know for certain and don’t assume your child is not gay either. Regardless of whether they are gay or straight, they are your child and they need you. As their parent, you need them too.
This article was reposted from Hubpages.
Why Are So Many Gay Teens Depressed?
Too often, hostile environments at school and at home make gay and lesbian adolescents depressed. Here’s how teens in the LGBT scene can find the emotional support they need.
Life is stressful for any teenager — there’s homework, after-school activities, and that all-important social scene to juggle. But if you’re a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender adolescent, teen-hood gets even more difficult — and studies show it can be a big contributor to depression.
What tends to make or break a gay teen’s emotional health? The environment they live in. “Shame, social isolation, humiliation, and bullying create a hostile environment for the young LGBT adolescent,” says Loren A. Olson, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in Des Moines, Iowa, and author of Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight.
Continue reading Why Are So Many Gay Teens Depressed?
Understanding Transgender People
Usually, kids don’t think too much about their gender. It feels normal and natural for many girls to be female and for many boys to be male. But that’s not true for everyone. Transgender people who are born as boys feel they should be female, and those who are born as girls feel they should be male.
People who are transgender feel like they’re living inside a body that’s all wrong for them. They often say they feel “trapped in someone else’s body.”
What Being Transgender Means
When we think of ourselves as male or female, it’s called gender identity. Everyone has a gender identity — the inborn sense of ourselves as being male or female.
Most people’s gender identity matches their anatomy. But those who are transgender feel different from their physical appearances.
What society expects of men, women, boys, and girls also affects what we feel about ourselves. Every culture has “rules” about what is expected for men and what is expected for women. These expectations can include things like hairstyles, clothing, and jobs — and how people should act or behave.
Society doesn’t have to state these rules because we see them all over. So most people grow up believing men should act a certain way and women should act a certain way without thinking about it much. Transgender people, though, have a very different sense of themselves.
Some transgender people know they feel “different” from the time they’re young children. Others start sensing it around puberty or even later. When people who are transgender become aware that they feel mismatched with their bodies, they may feel confused and emotionally conflicted.
Some decide to physically change their bodies — through surgery or taking hormones — to match the gender they feel they really are. Physically becoming the opposite gender can be a long, complicated, and expensive process.
Not all transgender people decide to get surgery or hormones, though. Some are most comfortable keeping their physical anatomy but dressing as the opposite gender. Some aren’t completely sure what they want yet, but may start by asking to be called a new name and use the pronouns that go with that name (such as “Amanda” instead of “Anthony” and “she” instead of “he”).
Once transgender people start living their lives as the opposite gender, many issues may come up — like how to fill out forms that require checking “female” or “male,” and even which public bathrooms to use.
As with any group, not all transgender people want or think the same things. It all depends on what that particular person needs to feel most comfortable in both body and mind.
Transgender Terms
The word transgender doesn’t only mean that a person identifies with the opposite gender. It also can be used by people who don’t feel like they’re either completely male or completely female.
In addition to transgender, people use other words to describe feeling different from the gender they were born with, such as gender variant, MTF (for male to female), or FTM (for female to male). Some don’t want to be called by any of the terms typically used to describe people who are questioning their gender. They just want to be known as who they are, unique in their own special way.
Gender Identity vs. Sexual Orientation
Being transgender is not the same thing as being gay. Being transgender is about gender identity — the way people see themselves and the gender they identify with. Being gay or lesbian is about sexual orientation — the gender someone is attracted to.
Gay men are attracted to other men and lesbian women are attracted to other women. And most of the time, they’re comfortable with the gender they are.
Because sexual orientation is different from gender identity, a transgender teen can be straight, gay, or bisexual — just like other teens can.
What Is Cross-Dressing?
People who dress in clothes usually associated with a different gender are sometimes called cross-dressers (or transvestites). Not all people who dress as the opposite sex are transgender. Some are, but many are making a clothing choice for fun, comfort, or as a way to express their personal style — not because they see themselves as the other gender.
What Causes People to Be Transgender?
Many health experts believe that being transgender isn’t caused by any one thing. What makes a person comfortable or uncomfortable with his or her anatomy is unclear, but they believe it’s the result of a complex mixture of biology, psychology, and environmental factors — and not simply a matter of choice.
Helping Transgender Teens
The idea that people can feel that they’re in the wrong gender bodies is something that many people have never heard of or don’t understand. Being transgender is something some people feel uncomfortable thinking or talking about.
For some parents, learning that their son wants to be a girl (or their daughter wants to be a boy) can be shocking. In the beginning, parents may feel a range of emotions, including disappointment and a sense of loss. Some parents, though, may have already suspected it and are not really surprised.
Even when the news is unexpected or difficult to hear, it’s important for parents to react with love and understanding. Experts say that even a slightly accepting attitude is helpful. Since gender identity is not a choice, trying to force a child to change his or her gender identity is not helpful and can lead to problems.
If your teen is transgender and you are having difficulty understanding and accepting what it all means, consider meeting with a psychologist who specializes in supporting transgender people. Talking through your reactions and receiving guidance can help you understand what is happening and identify ways you can best support your child.
For people who are transgender, the realization that they feel different from others also can be very difficult. They may face rejection, discrimination, and even anger from people who don’t understand transgender identity, and it can be a challenge to deal with others’ reactions. Not everyone is tolerant or accepting, and transgender teens can face situations that can feel hostile and be unfair. This may lead to feelings of depression and isolation.
Advocacy groups and a growing number of health professionals can help transgender people find acceptance, support, rights, and care. Many expert medical centers are available to help transgender people —and their families — address the complex physical and emotional issues they might face.
Like everyone, transgender people want to feel accepted, understood, and supported.
This article was reposted from KidsHealth.org
Advice For Parents And Friends
I’ve had a lot of letters over the years from the friends and family of gay loved ones, asking how they can best help and support them. Perhaps a parent who’s not sure how to deal with their child’s recent coming out, or perhaps someone who’s worried about a gay friend who’s having problems adjusting to the idea of being gay.
Here’s some tips to help you to help them:
Don’t do anything!
Try not to see a gay person as having a disability and needing special treatment. A lot of gay people are perfectly happy and comfortable with themselves and simply want you to carry on as normal and not make a fuss! I know a lot of parents and friends worry that they’re not doing enough, but often the gay person in question needs you to simply do nothing. There’s even a danger you can make things harder for your loved one by making them feel like a ‘special case’ and marked out as some kind of problem to deal with. Being gay is not a problem in itself but people can turn it into one, even if their intentions are good.
‘My gay friend/son/daughter’
Remember, your friend is not defined by their sexuality any more than you are. He’s not your gay friend - he’s your friend. Sometimes sexuality is the key feature people focus on, like a sticker they put on somebody, but it’s only part of what makes a person who they are. Don’t fall into the trap of categorising your gay loved one in this way. A gay person wants to be treated equally and valued as an individual. They don’t want to be treated as a novelty, accessory or party trick.
Special skills
You don’t need special skills to be a good friend or parent to a gay person. Valuable skills like the ability to listen, providing a hug when someone is hurting, or being able to offer good advice, are as important whether a loved one is gay or straight. If someone you cared about was having problems, you’d do your best to help them with the skills, resources and knowledge you have. It’s no different here.
Understanding
It might be the case that you’ve never met a gay person before and have questions about homosexuality. Perhaps the only reference you have is flamboyant characters on TV. Educate yourself a bit by reading the content on this website. But don’t forget that gay people aren’t a weird subspecies. They need and want the same things you do in order to be happy: love, sex, friendship, a good job, somewhere nice to live etc. Simply put, we’re all human beings but some of us are attracted to the same sex. There’s no big mystery to be unravelled.
Don’t be too helpful
When I came out friends were very keen to set me up on a date with the only other gay person they knew. I got the feeling they assumed we’d fall madly in love simply because we were two gay people with a lack of other gay people on our Christmas card lists. We didn’t get on particularly well, were very different kinds of people, and chose not to meet up again. I’d have had much more fun being introduced to someone – gay or straight - on the grounds that we had interests in common, not just sexuality and gender. Don’t assume anything about someone because of their sexuality. They’re still an individual with their own interests and unique personality. Clichés about gay people leaping out of the closet, donning hair glitter and dragging their straight friends off to the nearest gay club aren’t helpful. Let your friend set the pace. They know whether they’re ready to explore their sexuality and in what ways. Just like you, they know if they want to find a partner or seek sexual experiences at the moment.
Problems
If your loved one is having problems coming to terms with their sexuality, you can help greatly by showing them that you don’t think being gay is a negative thing and that your feelings toward them haven’t changed. Feeling better about being gay involves breaking down the negative associations a person might have with the label, and the things they think they’re missing out on by not being straight. This part of the frequently asked questions will help. Encourage them to visit the website.
Adjusting your expectations of your son or daughter after they come out
Traditionally we tend to equate having a happy, healthy and fulfilling life with being in a heterosexual relationship, getting married and having children. You might have had hopes of arranging a wedding for your child some day, and thoughts of grandchildren. There’s nothing wrong with being excited about those things. You want your child to be happy and to find love. When a child comes out it’s a time of adjustment. Suddenly imagining your child in a same-sex relationship and your dream plans for them going out the window can be a real shock. It’s vital to understand that although things are different from how you imagined, the one central hope you had can still be realised: your child’s happiness.
Things are different, but they’re no worse or better. Your child can find the same love and fulfilment through a same-sex relationship as they might have had in a heterosexual one, and there’s no reason why you can’t be an important part of that. Of course your son or daughter will likely not have any children of their own. But don’t forget that they may have chosen not to have kids if they’d be heterosexual. It’s wrong to force our hopes onto our children. They have to discover what happiness and fulfilment mean to them, with your support and acceptance. It’s a time of adjusting the plans you might have held about your child’s future, but it can also be a time of embracing a more open and honest relationship with your child.
- Traditionally we think of a man and woman raising children, but healthy, happy families come in many different flavours in our modern world: single parent families, same-sex parents, people who foster and adopt, children living with other family members etc. It’s love and a positive and supportive home environment that count, not who provides them. Work on accepting the family he or she creates.
- Your child didn’t choose to be gay. Help them to make the most of who they are.
- Your child’s homosexuality is not a rejection of your values or lifestyle.
- Much as you might have cherished ideas about weddings and grandchildren, you mustn’t try to force these things onto your child. You didn’t have a child purely so they would have their own children. Your child isn’t making a decision to sabotage your dreams, so it’s not fair to resent him or her or make them feel pressured or guilty.
- Don’t assume that because your child is young that they don’t know themselves or their sexuality. While many people have same-sex experiences but go on to form heterosexual relationships, many also report knowing from a very young age that they were gay (I knew when I was 13). Try to take their coming out seriously.
- You don’t want your son or daughter sneaking around and not telling you about their lives. Talk to them and encourage openness.
- Be kind to yourself. It can be a big surprise to discover that your child is gay. It’s okay to hurt, to worry and to feel helpless. This is a time of change for you too.
- Indulging stereotypes such as gay relationships being abuse-prone, gay people all adhering to a promiscuous lifestyle, and AIDS being the inevitable fate for all gay men, will only make you to feel worse. Throw stereotypes out the window. Your child can be happy as a gay person, and you can help. See myths and stereotypes where common misconceptions about homosexual people are discussed.
- Remember that your child has not changed. There’s no secret society they’ve just joined or big gay uniform they’re going to wear. They are the same child you’ve raised and loved. The only difference is that they’ve been more honest with you than they’ve probably ever been, and told you something deeply personal, potentially at great risk to themselves. Your child may be scared of losing your love and support.
- You haven’t failed as a parent because your child is gay, nor did you make your child gay somehow. Nothing you did or didn’t do during the life of your child has made them gay, just like nothing a parent does makes their child heterosexual. There was no switch you flicked on by mistake in your child’s mind. So whether you’re a single parent, dual parents or part of a large and close extended family - it’s not your fault.
This article was reposted from BGIOK.