Tag Archives: tips for dealing with a gay child

Real Stories, Support & Advice

Gay Foster Kids’ Discrimination Battle Heats Up In States

Sixto Cancel says his ultra-religious foster family frequently talked about their disdain for his homosexuality at the dinner table, trashed his room and called him homophobic slurs. While he was still a teenager, he says, they kicked him out of their Connecticut home after he had lived there for nearly a decade.

“I’ve had foster homes who completely said you can’t live here if you’re gay,” said Cancel, a 21-year-old student at Virginia Commonwealth University who bounced between half a dozen foster homes while in care. “For a long time I had that self-hatred and uncomfortableness with who I am.”

Discrimination against gay and lesbian youths in foster care is prevalent enough around the country that federal health officials sent a letter in 2011 encouraging states to develop training for caseworkers and foster parents on the issue. Advocates in a handful of states including Florida, California, Connecticut, Illinois and Massachusetts have increased efforts to train caseworkers, recruit foster parents and assign mentors. Officials don’t want to force youths to disclose their sexuality, but must try to create environments where they feel safe to come out when ready. Without such support, the federal government memo says, gay and lesbian youths who leave the foster care system can wind up homeless
Continue reading Gay Foster Kids’ Discrimination Battle Heats Up In States →

News, Support & Advice

Is Being Straight a ‘Lifestyle Choice’?

If you are straight and oppose equality for gay and lesbian people, I’d like you to reflect on two specific questions. Firstly, when did you “choose” to be straight? Secondly, do you think being straight is a “lifestyle choice”?

Based on knowledge of your own sexuality, you may think these questions are totally ridiculous, or you may not even understand what they are referring to. Straight people are rarely asked such questions, and it explains, in part, why a video exploring the topic recently went viral online, garnering millions of views.

Frustratingly, gay and lesbian people are repeatedly subjected to this bizarre line of questioning (about our sexuality), both in our day-to-day lives and in our quest for equality at a political and societal level. Not only is this notion that people choose to be gay or lesbian totally absurd, but it demonstrates a lack of understanding of two different components of human sexuality: sexual orientation and sexual behavior.
Continue reading Is Being Straight a ‘Lifestyle Choice’? →

Support & Advice

LGBT Americans Feel Growing Acceptance

The vast majority of LGBT Americans feel that society has become more accepting of them in the last decade, yet many still feel stigmatized, according to a survey released Thursday from the non-partisan Pew Research Center.

In the survey, conducted online among 1,197 self-identified gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender adults, 92 percent of respondents said they feel society has become more accepting in the past decade, and the same percent said society will be more accepting in another 10 years.

But only 19 percent of LGBT adults said they experience “a lot” of social acceptance, and 53 percent said there continues to be “a lot” of discrimination against LGBT people. About 39 percent said that at some point in their lives, they were rejected by a family member or close friend because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Thirty percent said they have been physically attacked or threatened and 21 percent said they have been treated unfairly by an employer.
Continue reading LGBT Americans Feel Growing Acceptance →

Faith and LGBT, Reacting to Coming Out, Support & Advice

To Christian Parents of Gay Children

You want to shove those words back in and put the lid on. But you can’t. Your child is gay. This goes against everything you’ve been taught. It was not what you had in mind, and you instantly wonder where you went wrong.

When you become a parent, you know to expect the unexpected. But for most Christian parents, nothing can prepare them to hear that their beloved child is gay. This is the child you have cradled, spoon fed mashed bananas, and dreamed a beautiful future for. How could this be? What will the church say? What will your friends say? What does the future hold? You can’t even get your head around this.

If you are a Christian parent, family member or friend to whom your loved one has come out as gay or lesbian, then this is for you. I invite you to sit down, relax, maybe get a cup of tea, and soak in what I’m about to tell you. My hope is to guide you as we walk for a bit through this maze of confusion, to help you find your way to wholeness.

In most Christian circles, this is not good news, and you may begin to spiral into reflection and self-searching. We’ll get to that. But at the bottom of it all, this is not about you. Most parents’ first mistake is to make it about them instead of about their son or daughter.

So let’s talk about some of the major stumbling blocks for Christian parents.

  • This is not an offense against you. This is not something your child did to you. They did not “choose gayness” to rebel against you, get back at you or make your life miserable. In fact, it really has nothing do with you. You did not cause this; it’s not a failure on your part. As a younger Christian, taught that homosexuality is a sin, I believed that trauma somewhere in someone’s past caused homosexuality, even if they didn’t remember it. To my surprise, God completely shifted my understanding and revealed to me the many people who had a great childhood and are still gay. He also reminded me of the many straight people who had traumatic childhoods, yet remained straight. Your expectations may lay shattered at your feet. But those are your expectations for your child. Quite simply, they may not God’s expectations. Ask God to replace your vision for your child with His.
  • This orientation is not news to your child. They likely did not tell you the first time they noticed their same-sex attraction. In fact, they have probably lived with this quite a long time. They had to discover how true it was. They had to watch other young teens grow into puberty, and realize they weren’t developing the same feelings. Perhaps they dated the opposite gender to see if passion might develop, and yet none did. By the time they come out to you, they are pretty sure of what they’re saying. You may have to work through a slate of brand new emotions about this, and your emotions will affect them, but theirs are not brand new. Do not ask them if they are sure, if maybe they want to take a little time and see what happens. Instead, consider the journey they have been through. Ask them things like, “When did you know?” “How long have you felt this way?” and tell them how you are grateful that they are including you, that they don’t have to go through this alone anymore.
  • Now is a key time to embrace your child. Imagine for a moment the courage it took to tell you about their sexuality, especially when they know it seems to contradict your core beliefs. In this moment, your child needs to know he did the right thing by telling you. You may flood with fear, doubt, anger, grief, disappointment, shame, anguish or guilt, but do not let those hinder you from expressing your unconditional love and admiration for your child. Your child will have their own list of emotions to deal with; don’t hand them yours. Give yourself time to process all of your own emotions. Be kind to yourself and your child through this.
  • They were terrified to tell you. The risk they took is very real. Some gay teens have been shamed, banished, threatened, beaten, and shunned. They know that once it is said, it cannot be unsaid. They took this chance either because they trusted you and hoped for the best, or because they could not stand to live inauthentically any longer. You have a strong child. Be proud. You have the opportunity to make the most of their trust and come through for them with the unconditional love of a parent. That’s your job as a parent and a Christian — to love unconditionally.
  • Praying, wishing and believing will not make your child straight. If doing these things meant that homosexuality would not visit a Christian home, then we wouldn’t see it cropping up so often. I have heard countless stories of people who prayed without ceasing, but nothing changed. Picture with me the false faith-healers who pray to heal audience members’ maladies; when there is no result, those charlatans tell the poor kid in the wheelchair, “Maybe next time you’ll have enough faith to be healed.” Where does that place the blame? If anyone has ever been healed in that setting, it is God’s choice, not the one in the wheelchair. Has anyone prayed themselves straight? I don’t know. Meanwhile, countless stories of those who prayed, did everything right, followed every suggestion, and poured themselves wholeheartedly into being straight–only to experience disappointment and self-loathing. Your child does not deserve this.
  • For teens, there are still many changes to come. Don’t panic! Let them discover themselves. What did you know at 18 that you feel the same about today? Come to think of it, sexual orientation is probably one of the few things you were sure about. Do not require a certain life path for your son or daughter at this time when the world is their oyster. Haven’t we yet learned how crippling it is to have to please someone else? Do not tell them that it is a phase that will wear off. Acknowledge how far they have come, that they have an exciting future, and that you will be with them every step of the way. If they discover that their orientation may not be what they thought, then they alone will discover that. Telling them you are praying that they change, or that they will likely “straighten out” as they get older, will only distance them from you. Worst of all, do not send them to “reorientation” camp. This traumatizes countless teens, cementing deep shame and self-hatred.
  • Adult children are out of your hands. Even more than teens, adult children are beyond your parental authority. You have done your best as a parent, however flawed you were. (We all were!) You must trust God with this child you have raised. Embrace them and love them as a fellow believer–Jesus asks that of you. Do not shun them or take other action, which will only alienate you from their lives. Instead, look forward to the many major life events ahead, and be there for them as you wanted your parents to be there for you.
  • Put other peoples’ responses aside. The opinion of your pastor, your Bible group, or your extended family are not as important as your son or daughter’s well-being. Put others’ opinions aside and focus on how God would lead you specifically. If you can’t say in your heart that your child is more important than others’ opinions, then seek the Lord about this and ask Him to restore your priorities.
  • Bear your son’s or daughter’s burdens. Let the weight of unanswered questions and discomfort rest on you. You are not the one being pressured to change your identity. Your child has the whole rest of the world to navigate; you are uniquely equipped to help bear their burden and so fulfill the law of Christ, as Galatians 6:2 tells us. Your relationship with your child calls for that much. Don’t press for answers or easy solutions. As with other big events in life, get comfortable with not knowing, and patiently let God reveal answers in His timing.
  • Finally, remember that we are not responsible to change people’s behavior. Not our job, even with our children, especially as they get older. If you think you’re going to make your pianist into a football player, give it up now. Jesus is not about behavior modification; He is about life, His life flowing through us. That is what grace (kharis) means — to let Jesus’ love flow through us instead of feeling obligated to fix everything. Your job is to love people, especially your child. Let God use this situation to show you what it means to love unconditionally. While we love others, God is at work in ways we can’t see.

This road is likely not one you would have chosen, nor initially welcomed. But if you seek Him, God will show you the beauty of the journey. Perhaps God has chosen you for such a time as this, to shine His love amidst all the anger and hate (even if your beliefs about it never change). Perhaps He will work through you to restore His name that has been so maligned to a group of people who need Him — as we all do.

God is good at giving us quandaries we didn’t expect, to rock our little tiny worldviews. He shakes everything that can be shaken until all that’s left is what is unshakeable. Cling to Him in this time, and He will bring about something wonderful — for you and your family.

This article was reposted from FreedHearts

Reacting to Coming Out, Real Stories, Support & Advice

A Mother’s Heartbreaking Tale of Losing Her Gay Son

The Religious Right hates it when we point out that their teachings are directly related to the problems of bullying,depression, self-loathing and suicide. We don’t point this out to be mean, or as a smear. We point it out because it’s true, but we also understand that many run-of-the-mill Fundamentalists truly believe they’re doing the right thing when it comes to society, the LGBT community and their own children.

This is the disconnect in messaging, because, aside from from Religious Right leaders who actually do know better, yet are motivated by obscene anti-gay animus and thus continue to lie, many religious people are hurting their own families and they don’t know it. Sometimes the results are tragic.

On a blog called FreedHearts, the writer shares a Facebook post from a Christian mother she knows personally, describing a journey that started when her twelve-year old son came out to her, and ended tragically just when she and her husband were finally starting to “get it.” She describes mistakes she made, led by her beliefs, which ultimately contributed to her son’s self-loathing. It’s such a sad story, because you can tell from reading it that she and her husband truly thought they were acting in love. This is a story that every Conservative Christian parent needs to read, and understand that yes, it can happen to you.

The mother describes what happened when her son came out to her over instant messenger, and what came afterward. I’m excerpting a lot, because it’s important. All emphasis is mine:

We were completely shocked. Not that we didn’t know and love gay people – my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails, and ALL boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all of our reactions over the next six years, was FEAR. We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible to be the Word of God should say:

We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. And this is hard. REALLY hard. But we know what God says about this, and so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.

We love you. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We’ll get you their books…you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.

We love you. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you’ve had for other guys don’t make you gay. So please don’t tell anyone that you ARE gay. You don’t know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay – it is that you are a child of God.

We love you. We will ALWAYS love you. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is NOT an option.

Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between Jesus and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between God and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime of loneliness (never to fall in love, have his first kiss, hold hands, share intimacy companionship, experience romance), but it also meant the abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly, enthusiastically participated in all the church youth group events and Bible Studies, got baptized, read all the books that claimed to know where his gay feelings came from, dove into counseling to further discover the “why’s” of his unwanted attraction to other guys, worked through painful conflict resolution with my husband and I, and built strong friendships with other guys – straight guys – just like he was told to. He even came out to his entire youth group, giving his testimony of how God had rescued him from the traps of the enemy, and sharing – by memory – verse after verse that God had used to draw Ryan to Himself.

But nothing changed. God didn’t answer his prayer – or ours – though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe – the God for whom NOTHING is impossible – could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.

Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what HE believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly OWN their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he’d make the wrong choice.

And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time, and to try searching for what he desperately wanted – peace – another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.

We had – unintentionally – taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself.

These are the wages of listening to Linda Harvey. These are the wages of listening to Porno Pete. Tony Perkins. Bryan Fischer. Maggie Gallagher. Brian Brown. Run of the mill Christian pastors who preach against the evils of homosexuality. This is where that can and does lead.

Ryan is now dead. Having fallen into addiction and then moved into recovery, he made the mistake of meeting up with his old addict friends, thinking he would be okay. He was not, and now this family has to suffer every day without their son.

They thought they were being loving, but they had listened to religious leaders who told them that homosexuality was a grave sin; they had listened to the lies of the “ex-gay” industry and its professional salesmen in the Religious Right, believing that Ryan’s homosexuality could be “overcome”; they believed that the warped fundamentalist version of “holiness” was more important than “wholeness”; and in all likelihood, the people surrounding them in their church community reinforced the idea that what they were doing was right.

My heart breaks for this family. In the comments section at the source blog, I see a few comments from out gay people who are expressing anger at this mother. I would suggest that that is misdirected. She’s as much a victim of this ideology as her son was. No, please, direct your anger at the religious leaders of the world who would deny reality for the sake of their backwards religious beliefs, indoctrinating their followers to the point that it makes sense to let a family fall apart and to teach an innocent kid to hate himself simply for knowing the truth about who he is. They, who style themselves as “pro-family,” are the ones destroying lives, and it has to stop.

If you know Christian parents, send them this story. Even if those parents are already supportive, they might know parents who aren’t. This kind of spiritual torture has to stop.

This article was reposted from TruthWinsOut.org

Faith and LGBT, Support & Advice

Georgia Church Welcomes Banned Boy Scouts

When the Boy Scouts of America made the decision to welcome gay scouts, some religious groups darkly warned of a mass exodus.

While most major denominations have indicated their intent to stay with the scouts, Roswell Street Baptist in Marietta, Ga publicly severed ties with the Boy Scouts because of the new gay policy.

Yet across town One World Spiritual Center had the opposite reaction.

“We put the sign up after hearing that a couple of churches in the metro-Atlanta area had asked their Boy Scout troops to leave after the ruling by the national organization allowing gay young men and boys to join the scouts,” Senior Minister Rev. Stephanie Seigh, told The Huffington Post.
Continue reading Georgia Church Welcomes Banned Boy Scouts →

Real Stories, Support & Advice

8 Year-Old Meets His “Boyfriend” Darren Criss

Back in December I asked my oldest son what he wanted for Christmas. He only had one request:

“I want to meet Blaine and sing and play the guitar with him.”

My son has had a huge crush on Blaine, a popular character on Glee played by Darren Criss, for two years now. Despite the passage of time, his puppy love for Blaine (or “my boyfriend,” as my son likes to call him) has gone unabated. It’s cute and sweet, but it left me in a bit of a conundrum.

“Baby, there are some things Mom just can’t do,” I tried to tell him, but he wasn’t having any of it. He knew I could make this happen. I finally ended up saying, “You can’t ask for people for Christmas.” This seemed to satisfy my kid, and he let the subject drop.
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Real Stories, Support & Advice

“The Out List” from Timothy Greenfield-Sanders

On Thursday, June 27, HBO is premiering The OUT List, a film of intimate docu-portraits from photographer and director Timothy Greenfield-Sanders that follows in the vein of his well known projects About Face: Supermodels Then and Now, The Latino List and The Black List.

The film is a storytelling project in which Greenfield-Sanders’s subjects, a diverse swath of well-known and lesser-known figures in the LGBT community, speak directly into the camera and divulge intimate tales of their careers, activism, and pride, as well as details of personal discrimination they’ve experienced and overcome.

The film was produced by out filmmaker Sam McConnell, who also served as the interviewer on the project.
Continue reading “The Out List” from Timothy Greenfield-Sanders →

Coming Out, Reacting to Coming Out, Support & Advice

Helping a Child to Come Out

Parents aren’t blind, and the clues are often there. Some research suggests that sexual orientation can show itself even at 3 years old. In our family, by the time our youngest son came out at 13, my wife and I had long progressed from inkling to conviction. A toddler who wore a feather boa around the house and pleaded for pink light-up sneakers with rhinestones is probably telling you something, even if he doesn’t yet know what it is.

We’re not the only ones, said Ellen Kahn, the director of the Family Project for the Human Rights Campaign, a leading advocacy group for gay men and lesbians. Recalling that her own tomboy ways served as a signal, she said, “I was one of those kids, and my parents were those parents.”

Ms. Kahn added, “I’ve heard many parents who have said, ‘I knew my son was gay, I heard my daughter was a lesbian, and I just was waiting’ ” for what she called the “Mom, Dad: I have something to tell you” conversation.

In her home, and in too many others, she said, “Nobody wanted to talk about it.” (She initially told her mother that she thought she was bisexual, because she thought “it wasn’t going to crush her as much.”)

Whether the parents might embrace or reject a gay child, families naturally tend to avoid difficult subjects — and so a stalemate ensues, with many parents worrying that the act of concealment could be taking a psychic toll on their child.

Considering the growing support for gay rights, as well as the rise of openly gay public figures and sympathetic roles in television and movies, people might be forgiven for thinking that it’s no big deal to come out these days. But the process of announcing your sexual orientation to the world can still can be a minefield, said Ilan H. Meyer, a professor at the Williams Institute for Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy at the law school of the University of California, Los Angeles.

“Coming out and coming to terms with being gay is easier now, but it’s a matter of degree and not a complete reversal of the world,” Professor Meyer said. He studies what he refers to as “minority stress” and its effect on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. Along with the fear of being rejected or attacked, he has said, such stresses include strain of concealing sexual orientation and inner fears of a second-class existence. “Gay kids do suffer consequences for being gay, and having to deal with social attitudes that are not accepting of them,” he said.

Young people are coming out at earlier and earlier ages, having shifted from the 20s and college years into high school and even middle school. According to a new survey of more than 10,000 gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teenagers conducted for the Human Rights Campaign, 64 percent of those in high school say they are out, and 54 percent of those in middle school say they are. This early openness about sexual orientation carries a possible burden of its own, since adolescence can be such a vulnerable time, and being different can feel like something between a crime and a disease.

The strain of it all plays out in difficult and even risky ways, Ms. Kahn noted; studies suggest that gay teenagers have higher rates of suicide, depression and drug and alcohol abuse than their straight counterparts. The reasons, she explained, include the stress of being different and being spurned by friends and family. “It’s not like gay kids are wired to do any of that,” Ms. Kahn said. “It’s the sense of being stigmatized.”

Another survey from the Human Rights Campaign this year showed that the leading concerns for straight high school students were things like “trouble with classes,” “college and career decisions” and paying for college. The lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender children had those worries as well — but they came after fears of rejection by parents and family, bullying at school and fear of coming out.

Once children are out, the pollsters for the Human Rights Campaign found, they tend to be exposed to higher levels of “frequent” verbal harassment (name calling) at school than those who stay in the closet. Seventeen percent of respondents who say they are openly gay encounter the harassment; while only 12 percent who are not openly gay reported the frequent harassment.

Why, then, wouldn’t parents be happier to see their child stall in the closet for a while? The Human Rights Campaign survey suggests an answer: as tough as it may be to be an openly gay child, it’s even harder to be closeted. Among those surveyed, 41 percent of those who are out to immediate family said they are “very happy” or “pretty happy,” while just 31 percent of those who said they had not revealed themselves could say the same. Forty percent of those children who are out at school said they were very happy or pretty happy, compared with 33 percent of the closeted kids.

To Ms. Kahn, that tips the scales toward openness, but with caution and compassion on the part of parents. A child might be well advised, she suggested, to come out to close friends at school but not broadcast sexual orientation to avoid harassment and stay focused on school.

In our family, we knew that Joseph was probably gay, and we saw in problems he was having at school that he was under psychological pressure. We believed that keeping his sexual orientation under wraps (he’s since told us that he knew he was gay from the age of 8) was aggravating the situation. But we were reluctant to force him out of his closet.

We asked our gay friends what they would have wanted at Joe’s age. They confirmed: don’t push, unless Joe seemed to be in real distress. It’s his secret to reveal, they said.

But they also suggested that we make it clear that however our son turned out, we’d accept and love him — and to work references to gay life into our daily conversation instead of treating it as a touchy subject best left alone.

We did, and Joseph came out to me one evening when I had taken him out for sushi at a local restaurant; he was telling me about ways that he unsettled the other boys by dropping comments like, “Do you think Josh has any idea how attractive he is?” I asked if maybe he wasn’t trying to tell them something — and asked if he might also be trying to tell me something. “I might be,” he said. And so we knew.

Soon he came out at school as well. That was rocky at first — in fact, almost catastrophic — but today, at 16, he’s a more comfortable, happier boy. He enjoys the music of the potty-mouthed songwriter Bo Burnham, whose comic song “My Whole Family Thinks I’m Gay” is kind of our anthem.

The most important thing, Ms. Kahn said, is that parents need to find ways to let their children know that their love is unconditional, and that their home is a safe place where anything can be discussed. Adolescence can be a secretive time, but “it’s the role of the parents to try to create the open path,” she said. “The adults have to do a little work here.”

In other words, Ms. Kahn said, the job of the grown-ups is to help guide their children through adolescence. The terrain may be unfamiliar, but the role is not. It’s called parenting.

This article was reposted from NYTimes.com

Coming Out, Reacting to Coming Out, Support & Advice

‘I’m having a lesbian’ billboard launched for gay marriage campaign

Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays spokeswoman Shelley Argent said the campaign was designed to garner support from mainstream families for gay marriage, on the grounds that gay children were “born that way”.

“Being lesbian or gay is not a choice,” she said. “It’s got nothing to do with culture or parenting skills. “It’s just the way you are. You’re born that way.”

The billboard shows a smiling woman baring her pregnant belly, with the slogan, “Congratulations, you’re having a lesbian”.

Billboard giant GOA has donated space for the ads, worth up to $60,000, in Queensland.

GOA managing director Chris Tyquin said he would ask interstate billboard companies to donate space as well. “I’ve got very close friends who have got children who are gay,” he said. “If you have a child who walks in and tells you they’re gay, you’d still love them just as much as you did before.”

The campaign is the brainchild of Steve Minon, a freelance advertising creative director from Brisbane, who donated his time.

“It is designed to get people thinking, and challenge them a little,” he said. “We’re trying to point out to any family that marriage equality can be your number one priority, without your knowing about it.”

The billboard is accompanied by a YouTube video - “What R U having?” - featuring a woman having an ultrasound.

“You’re having a lesbian!” the doctor tells the overjoyed parents.

The campaign’s theme is that “any child can be born gay.”

This article was reposted from News.Com.AU

Support & Advice

Why Bias Puts Young Gays’ Health At Risk

(CNN) — When I was 8, I joined the Boy Scouts. I lasted three weeks-couldn’t get the hang of all that knot tying, and no one was interested in singing show tunes around the campfire. I was gay and I knew it. At that time, revealing my sexual identity would have resulted in my exclusion from Scouting. Until the Boy Scouts of America’s historic May 23 vote — which allows gay youth to join the scouts, but upholds the ban on gay adult leaders — thousands of boys across the country faced similar discrimination from the Scouts, who actively and vocally banned gays.
Continue reading Why Bias Puts Young Gays’ Health At Risk →

Real Stories, Support & Advice

Gay teens find Internet fame, acceptance

CARMEL, N.Y. — High school students designated the “cutest couple” in their yearbook’s senior superlatives, sparking international attention for the gay teens, are basking in the whirlwind of publicity they have received.

Hours away from their senior prom Monday, Carmel High School students Bradley Taylor and Dylan Meehan donned tuxedos with coordinating blue and silver vests and ties, living up to their newfound class designation.

“It’s been insane,” said Taylor, 17. “We are very, very proud to show that Carmel High School is the way it is.”

Meehan agreed. The support and attention, he said, have been inspiring.

Their best friend, Chelsea Blaney is responsible for their Internet fame. After she posted a picture Friday of the two on her Tumblr blog, saying they won cutest couple, she went from 15 likes to 7,000 in minutes, she recalled.
Continue reading Gay teens find Internet fame, acceptance →

Real Stories, Support & Advice

The First Ali Forney Center Resident Graduates Law School

by Carl Siciliano

Last weekend I found myself in a gym in Portland, Oregon with tears streaming down my face. I was at Lewis & Clark Law School, at the graduation ceremony of Ksen Pallegedara, one of the first young people ever to stay at the Ali Forney Center. As I saw Ksen walk by in his cap and gown with the other law school graduates, I reflected on the obstacles he had overcome and could not help but get choked up and feel a swell of great pride and hope.

And I remembered the first time I saw Ksen. It was October, 2002, just after we’d opened our shelter, the first for homeless LGBT youth in NYC. Ksen had just moved in. He calmly told me in a soft voice that he had spent weeks sleeping in the streets of New York City, after his mother had attacked him for being queer. He said she had become so enraged at learning he was not straight that she violently ripped out a piece of his scalp, and that he had fled from his home fearing for his life.
Continue reading The First Ali Forney Center Resident Graduates Law School →

Support & Advice, Transgender Issues

Being Transgender Today

Throughout history, Transgender individuals have been present, at times even revered, but today, in the United States, they struggle for visibility, protection, and acceptance even among other minorities.

With the list of states legalizing gay marriage growing and broad acceptance into pop culture, the gay and lesbian population has gained increased visibility and protection. However, transgender people have not been afforded the same rights. The numbers are one reason. In the United States, there are 8 million people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. According to the Williams Institute at UCLA’s School of Law, there are only 700,000 transgender people in the United States.

In 2011, one transgender person was killed every month because of their identity, according to the Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund. The National Center for Transgender Equality and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force surveyed 6,450 transgender individuals in the United States in 2011. Of those surveyed, 41 percent reported that they had attempted suicide compared to 1.6 percent in the general population. Also, 64 percent had been sexually assaulted, and 55 percent had lost a job due to their identity. Of those who had established their transgender identity as school-age students, over 78 percent reported they had been harassed and 35 percent had been physically assaulted. Nearly 15 percent left school because the harassment was so severe.

Definitions

Many people still struggle with an exact definition of transgender, confusing it with other terms. Being transgender has nothing to do with sexual orientation, sex, or genitalia. Transgender is strictly about gender identity. Many transgender individuals don’t have sexual reassignment surgery for various reasons. Some cannot afford it. Often health insurance doesn’t cover the expensive surgeries. Some do not want to undergo procedures. For trans men, especially, the surgeries are difficult, often with disappointing results.

The term transgender, first used in the 1980s, is an umbrella term that includes any person going against the social norms of their biological gender. This includes transsexuals, people who alter their bodies with surgery, hormones, or both. Intersex people, those born with ambiguous genitalia, are usually considered separate from transgender. Cross-dresser is a term often confused with transgender, but it simply refers to a person of one gender who wears the clothing of the opposite sex. Cross-dressers do not necessarily desire to be the opposite gender. Another term often confused with transgender is transvestite. Transvestite is a synonym for cross-dresser; however, cross-dresser is the preferred term. Finally, the term drag refers to a style of dress worn for entertaining. Drag queen refers to men in female attire while drag king describes women in male clothing.

Lack of Protection and Support

Courts have struggled with how to protect and support the transgender community. The Equal Protection Clause and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 does not allow discrimination based on gender. The issue in courts is whether the protections apply to a person born of one gender, but presents her- or himself as another.

In 2008, a Washington D.C. court ruled against the Library of Congress for retracting a job offer from a woman after she informed them that she was transitioning from male to female. However, in a 2005 case, Etsitty v. Utah Transit Authority, a court ruled that the bus company was allowed to fire a male-to-female employee based on the liability to have someone with male sex organs using the women’s bathroom.

Texas has a law requiring two opposite-gender birth certificates for a couple to legally marry. In May 2011, Tennessee passed a law that only protects a person from discrimination according to the gender on his or her birth certificate. The law does not protect transgenders because Tennessee does not allow changes to a birth certificate. In June 2011, a gender identity anti-discrimination bill in New York failed to pass.

However, on November 23, 2011, Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick signed historic legislation that protects transgender individuals from discrimination in employment, education, housing, and credit. The law also provides additional protection against hate crimes. In doing so, Massachusetts became the 16th state to pass a law protecting transgender individuals. Of the new law, Attorney General Martha Coakley said, “For too long, transgender people have suffered in silence in seeking employment, safe housing, and educational opportunities. With the signing of this bill, Massachusetts has created a better, and fairer, future for all residents, regardless of their gender identity or expression.”

Psychiatrists have debated over the years how to define and support transgender individuals. In 1973, the term “homosexuality” was removed from the second edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM). However, in 1980, the term “transsexualism” was added to the DSM. In a later DSM volume, the term “transsexualism” was included under the controversial Gender Identity Disorder. In 2012, Gender Identity Disorder is currently under review for the next DSM volume.

Born This Way

Even among other minorities, transgenders have been discriminated against at times. For example, an annual feminist music festival very popular with the lesbian community, the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, has a strict policy of only allowing women who were born women. The exclusion has inspired an annual protest called Camp Trans. Held across from the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, Camp Trans works to educate attendees on the issue of trans inclusion.

With less visibility than other minorities, there are many forces working against Transgender individuals. However, a few influential people have shown their support. The biggest example is international music artist Lady Gaga. Through her music, videos, and charity work, Lady Gaga constantly speaks out for the transgender community. In the lyrics of her hit song, Born This Way, she includes transgenders in a verse about survival: “No matter gay, straight or bi, lesbian, transgendered life. I’m on the right track, baby. I was born to survive.”

This article was reposted from InfoPlease.com

News, Support & Advice, Transgender Issues

Gender-Bending Crime Fighter Hits Television, Stirs Up Controversy

There’s a new TV character in town, a 12-year-old-boy-turned-girl-crime-fighter on Hub‘s new children’s cartoon program, SheZow. Hub, a cable network owned by parent companies Discovery Communications and Hasbro Inc., is hoping their new superhero(ine) will bring in viewers and interest.

The Los Angeles Times reports:

In “SheZow,” a 12-year-old boy - named Guy - uses a magic ring to transform himself into a legendary crime fighter. When evi lurks, Guy says, “You go, girl!” and becomes SheZow.

“When I first heard about the show, my reaction was ‘Are you out of your minds?'” said Margaret Loesch, chief exeutive of the Hub. “Then I looked at it and thought, ‘This is just funny.'”

Not everyone is as amused as Loesch however. Conservative blog Breitbart tagged “SheZow” with the moniker of “transsexual” and reported:

Nothing says “child-appropriate material” quite like gender-bending underage superheroes…That show follows the adventures of a 12-year-old boy named Guy who uses a magic ring to transform himself into a crime-fighting girl. Yes, you read that correctly. When Guy says the magic words – “You go girl!” – he becomes SheZow, wearing a purple skirt and cape, as well as pink gloves and white boots.

Breitbart also suggests that Loesch “may or may not have been high (and leftist) when she greenlit this project.” The New York Daily News reported on GLAAD‘s response to the conservative backlash:

…a spokesman for GLAAD fired back that criticizing the animated series for “promoting” transgender themes is, well, cartoonish.

“This Breitbart News article is just a laughable attempt at attention seeking, comparable to Jerry Falwell attacking the Teletubbies, and demonstrates a profound ignorance of transgender people since this show doesn’t include any,” said GLAAD’s Rich Ferraro.

“SheZow” represents a departure from the more gender-constricted programming readily available for young children. However, Hub sees the new show as a possible boon to their business, which is currently struggling against juggernauts like Nickelodeon and Disney:

…who knows, maybe if “SheZow” is a hit, Hasbro can start merchandising her white go-go boots, and her ring.

“We’ll see, won’t we?” Loesch said

Here is the show’s intro:

This article was reposted from Towleroad.

Support & Advice

10 Things You Shouldn’t Say at a Gay Wedding

Now that New York has legalized gay marriage, you might start seeing more invitations to attend same-sex marriages. Here’s how to celebrate with the wedding couple and avoid putting your foot in your mouth.

Gay weddings look a lot like straight weddings — you’ve got your ceremony and ring exchange, good food and drink, and lots of dancing with the couple’s closest friends and family. Of course, there are several wedding traditions you probably won’t see (separating “the bride’s side” from “the groom’s side” comes to mind). So as a guest invited to a gay wedding, a good rule of thumb: Don’t assume all wedding traditions apply — and don’t say any of the following!
Continue reading 10 Things You Shouldn’t Say at a Gay Wedding →

Coming Out, Reacting to Coming Out, Support & Advice

When You Think Your Son or Daughter is Gay

If you are concerned your child is gay, I’m glad you are here. It tells me you’re trying to accept and love your child. Many parents miss this opportunity and both the parents and children suffer. I’ve experienced homosexuality from many angles and feel the way it is handled is of utmost importance to foster a good relationship between parent and child. In this article, I will address the many assumptions parents and others make regarding whether a child is gay or not.

If there is one thing I would like you to take from this article, it is: Gay children who are not accepted by their parents have a higher risk of depression, suicide, drug use and having unsafe sex. Your love and acceptance could change all of those things.WorriedParent

Being a parent to gay child can be overwhelming even if you do not have an issue with homosexuality. You may worry about their safety, social acceptance, ability to get a job, having grandchildren, religious outlook and more. “What are we going to tell grandma?”

Not knowing if your child is gay or not can be equally overwhelming. There are many ways to help your child and help yourself. Sadly, many parents find themselves alienating their children and lose sight of what is truly important; their child’s love and well-being.

It seems that some parents have a heightened sensitivity to their children’s sexuality. Ingrained within us is a natural desire for our children to grow up “normal” without the hard knocks of society. We fear for our children getting hurt and being condemned by society.

We’ve planned play dates with other children to socialize them. We’ve bought our little boys trucks and basketballs and our little girls dresses and play make-up. We’ve dreamed of the day they grow up, marry and give us grandchildren. Anything that differs from our idea of what they “should be” in order to accomplish these ideals alarms us.

Some parents act on every little sign that their child is gay, only to find themselves doing seemingly crazy things to find out.

Take a look at these questions I’ve heard from parents. None of these situations confirm your child is gay. However, the way you react to them may be the difference in your child telling you the truth, if someday they realize they are gay.

“My 3 year old son wears my high-heels. Do you think he’s going to be gay when he grows up?”

Many young boys like to dress up like mommy. They find those strange looking shoes interesting and fun to walk in. Mommy’s dresses look pretty on her, so why not try them on for fun? I’ve seen many pictures of small boys in dresses and high-heels. Some boys even put on make-up and ask to have their picture taken. It’s normal behavior to experiment. We don’t ask the same questions when a little girl wants to wear her favorite blue jeans or put on daddy’s shoes. Let them explore and believe me, your son is not going to be gay just because he tried on some girly things.

If it turns out he is gay in the future, your reaction could leave a permanent mark. If you treat him like he’s done something wrong, he’ll believe being gay is also wrong. It won’t change the fact that he is gay, it will only preclude him from telling you.

Not to say that every little boy that dresses in girls clothing will be straight, but I know many men who are straight, happily married fathers with pictures of them in girls clothing as little boys.

“Johnny and my son play everyday. Their off to the basketball court to shoot hoops and seem like everyday boys. One day they hugged before going to their separate homes. When I ask him why he hugged Johnny he says, “I like Johnny.” Is my child gay?”

Hugging someone of the same sex does not indicate your child is gay. Many straight boys and girls hug their best friends. It’s a comfort measure and shouldn’t be looked upon as a gay action. While it’s true, they may in fact be gay, this is not a definitive marker. Girls frequently hug their female friends and no one thinks much about it. It isn’t as common for boys to hug their friends, but a boy comfortable in his sexuality may feel it’s no big deal. This is especially true if you’ve raised your son to be comfortable hugging people. His male friends are no exception.

“My son said, Johnny is cute. He’s definitely gay right?”

Surprisingly, no. Some children don’t realize the implication by saying such things. Besides, is Johnny a cute kid? Can’t a boy say so? Some of the interpretation has to come from the way he tells you Johnny is cute. Is he stating a fact or saying how he feels? Simply asking him how Johnny is cute can clear things up. Maybe he does think Johnny is soooo cuuuute! or perhaps, Johnny is cute because a girl at school said so, or Johnny is cute because he said something ridiculous and that’s the new trend at school.

“My son spends more time talking to boys on the phone than girls. Do I have a gay son?”

Some boys are very shy about talking to girls. They talk to their male friends about girls, sports, what’s on tv and how bad their fart smells. Some boys just don’t realize the rules of dating include calling their girlfriend on the phone.

Recently, my son’s girlfriend broke up with him because he didn’t call her. He said, “She didn’t give me her phone number.” I said, “Did you ask?” He said, “No, I didn’t want to seem pushy and I was afraid her dad would answer the phone.”

“My daughter asked to take another girl to the school dance as her date. Does that mean my daughter is gay?”

Some girls don’t have a boyfriend and in today’s world girls frequently go with other female friends to dances or even prom. It’s a safe way to go to these events and not feel alone as well as not be left out. While it may be an indication your daughter is gay, it’s not confirmed.

“My daughter said she likes a girl and she wants to date her. Is she gay?”

While it’s obvious your daughter is considering her sexuality, it’s not a hard-fast guarantee she is gay. Many teenagers, more often girls than boys, experiment with the idea of same sex relationships before settling on a heterosexual relationship.

You have a wonderful opportunity here to talk with her openly about her feelings and I suggest you do that with loving care. She’s telling you because she trusts you. You’ve proven you are a nurturing parent and she’s willing to hear your viewpoint. You don’t have to agree and you don’t have to bake a cake and have a party, but you don’t have to condemn her either. As a matter of fact, if you condemn her, she will likely run headlong into the relationship just to spite you. If she is gay, you will have created a barrier that will be hard to overcome.

Using tactics to prove your child is gay or straight.

Here are some things I’ve seen parents do and they simply don’t work…

One father pulls out magazines with swimsuit models to see if his son will take notice, while another tells gay jokes to see if his son will be offended.

A mother offers to take her daughter for birth control just to watch for a reaction or talks excessively about hunky men on television and asks which guy she thinks is cute.

Tests like these will not prove or disprove your child is gay. You’ll only make them uncomfortable and if they are gay, they won’t tell you.

Why won’t my child just tell me they’re gay?

It’s not always your fault when your child doesn’t tell you they are gay. Don’t take it personally.

Here are a few reasons your child may not tell you they are gay that have nothing to do with you. Obviously, if you are doing any of these things they could be the reason your child doesn’t tell you.

  • Television shows gay people being abused, chastised and murdered just for being gay.
  • Friends at school or other family members talk about gay people negatively, making them afraid to tell anyone.
  • They play on a sports team and are afraid the other team members won’t let them to be part of the team.
  • The church talks about homosexuality being a sin. Some people will deny being gay to prevent being kicked out of their church or chastised by the members.
  • They don’t want to be gay and are doing everything they can to avoid it.
  • They are not ready and/or don’t know how to deal with being gay.
  • Some people don’t feel it necessary to share their personal feelings about anything, including being gay.
  • They are ashamed and don’t want anyone to know.
  • Sometimes they don’t even know they are gay.
  • Maybe their not gay.
  • There are things you may be doing that make them feel they cannot tell you.
  • If your child feels you will over-react or have strong opinions about homosexuality, they will almost certainly keep the secret.
  • If you tell gay jokes your child may feel embarrassed about telling you they are gay.
  • If you talk badly about homosexuality your child may fear you will hate them for being gay.
  • Gagging, gesturing or changing the channel when you see gay people on television will make them afraid to tell you.

What can I do to know if my child is gay or not?

There is no test. There is no perfect conversation. There is no amount of discontent that will change them.

Create a dialogue between you and your child. It’s best if you started this from the time you started talking to them as babies, but anytime is a good time to start. Let your child know you love them unconditionally and mean it.

Many parents say they love their child no matter what, but when confronted with things they disapprove of it becomes a gray area. Your child needs to know they can tell you anything and at the very least you will listen with an open ear and logically talk with them about their choices.

If you want your child to feel comfortable to openly tell you they are gay, leave the door open. You will not turn your child gay by letting them know you accept the idea. When you see gay people or talk about them make sure it isn’t negative. These are opportunities to express your acceptance towards gay people and open the door for your child to tell you about themselves.

If you’ve created an open dialogue with your child and you feel safe doing so, you can ask them how they feel about homosexuality and if it leads there, ask them if they’ve ever considered being gay. Be careful not to accuse or degrade the possibility if you want an honest answer. If a straight child feels like you think they are gay it can be equally harmful as not accepting a gay child.

If your child seems to be confused about their sexuality make them an appointment with a therapist who specializes in sexuality. Be careful not to choose a therapist that is based solely on a religious principle. Your child will feel alienated and as though there is no place to turn. They likely already feel alone.

Most importantly, don’t assume your child is gay until you know for certain and don’t assume your child is not gay either. Regardless of whether they are gay or straight, they are your child and they need you. As their parent, you need them too.

This article was reposted from Hubpages.

Support & Advice

Why Are So Many Gay Teens Depressed?

Too often, hostile environments at school and at home make gay and lesbian adolescents depressed. Here’s how teens in the LGBT scene can find the emotional support they need.

Life is stressful for any teenager — there’s homework, after-school activities, and that all-important social scene to juggle. But if you’re a lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender adolescent, teen-hood gets even more difficult — and studies show it can be a big contributor to depression.

What tends to make or break a gay teen’s emotional health? The environment they live in. “Shame, social isolation, humiliation, and bullying create a hostile environment for the young LGBT adolescent,” says Loren A. Olson, MD, a psychiatrist in private practice in Des Moines, Iowa, and author of Finally Out: Letting Go of Living Straight.
Continue reading Why Are So Many Gay Teens Depressed? →

Reacting to Coming Out, Support & Advice

Advice For Parents And Friends

I’ve had a lot of letters over the years from the friends and family of gay loved ones, asking how they can best help and support them. Perhaps a parent who’s not sure how to deal with their child’s recent coming out, or perhaps someone who’s worried about a gay friend who’s having problems adjusting to the idea of being gay.

Here’s some tips to help you to help them:

Don’t do anything!

Try not to see a gay person as having a disability and needing special treatment. A lot of gay people are perfectly happy and comfortable with themselves and simply want you to carry on as normal and not make a fuss! I know a lot of parents and friends worry that they’re not doing enough, but often the gay person in question needs you to simply do nothing. There’s even a danger you can make things harder for your loved one by making them feel like a ‘special case’ and marked out as some kind of problem to deal with. Being gay is not a problem in itself but people can turn it into one, even if their intentions are good.

‘My gay friend/son/daughter’

Remember, your friend is not defined by their sexuality any more than you are. He’s not your gay friend - he’s your friend. Sometimes sexuality is the key feature people focus on, like a sticker they put on somebody, but it’s only part of what makes a person who they are. Don’t fall into the trap of categorising your gay loved one in this way. A gay person wants to be treated equally and valued as an individual. They don’t want to be treated as a novelty, accessory or party trick.

Special skills

You don’t need special skills to be a good friend or parent to a gay person. Valuable skills like the ability to listen, providing a hug when someone is hurting, or being able to offer good advice, are as important whether a loved one is gay or straight. If someone you cared about was having problems, you’d do your best to help them with the skills, resources and knowledge you have. It’s no different here.

Understanding

It might be the case that you’ve never met a gay person before and have questions about homosexuality. Perhaps the only reference you have is flamboyant characters on TV. Educate yourself a bit by reading the content on this website. But don’t forget that gay people aren’t a weird subspecies. They need and want the same things you do in order to be happy: love, sex, friendship, a good job, somewhere nice to live etc. Simply put, we’re all human beings but some of us are attracted to the same sex. There’s no big mystery to be unravelled.

Don’t be too helpful

When I came out friends were very keen to set me up on a date with the only other gay person they knew. I got the feeling they assumed we’d fall madly in love simply because we were two gay people with a lack of other gay people on our Christmas card lists. We didn’t get on particularly well, were very different kinds of people, and chose not to meet up again. I’d have had much more fun being introduced to someone – gay or straight - on the grounds that we had interests in common, not just sexuality and gender. Don’t assume anything about someone because of their sexuality. They’re still an individual with their own interests and unique personality. Clichés about gay people leaping out of the closet, donning hair glitter and dragging their straight friends off to the nearest gay club aren’t helpful. Let your friend set the pace. They know whether they’re ready to explore their sexuality and in what ways. Just like you, they know if they want to find a partner or seek sexual experiences at the moment.

Problems

If your loved one is having problems coming to terms with their sexuality, you can help greatly by showing them that you don’t think being gay is a negative thing and that your feelings toward them haven’t changed. Feeling better about being gay involves breaking down the negative associations a person might have with the label, and the things they think they’re missing out on by not being straight. This part of the frequently asked questions will help. Encourage them to visit the website.

Adjusting your expectations of your son or daughter after they come out

Traditionally we tend to equate having a happy, healthy and fulfilling life with being in a heterosexual relationship, getting married and having children. You might have had hopes of arranging a wedding for your child some day, and thoughts of grandchildren. There’s nothing wrong with being excited about those things. You want your child to be happy and to find love. When a child comes out it’s a time of adjustment. Suddenly imagining your child in a same-sex relationship and your dream plans for them going out the window can be a real shock. It’s vital to understand that although things are different from how you imagined, the one central hope you had can still be realised: your child’s happiness.

Things are different, but they’re no worse or better. Your child can find the same love and fulfilment through a same-sex relationship as they might have had in a heterosexual one, and there’s no reason why you can’t be an important part of that. Of course your son or daughter will likely not have any children of their own. But don’t forget that they may have chosen not to have kids if they’d be heterosexual. It’s wrong to force our hopes onto our children. They have to discover what happiness and fulfilment mean to them, with your support and acceptance. It’s a time of adjusting the plans you might have held about your child’s future, but it can also be a time of embracing a more open and honest relationship with your child.

  • Traditionally we think of a man and woman raising children, but healthy, happy families come in many different flavours in our modern world: single parent families, same-sex parents, people who foster and adopt, children living with other family members etc. It’s love and a positive and supportive home environment that count, not who provides them. Work on accepting the family he or she creates.
  • Your child didn’t choose to be gay. Help them to make the most of who they are.
  • Your child’s homosexuality is not a rejection of your values or lifestyle.
  • Much as you might have cherished ideas about weddings and grandchildren, you mustn’t try to force these things onto your child. You didn’t have a child purely so they would have their own children. Your child isn’t making a decision to sabotage your dreams, so it’s not fair to resent him or her or make them feel pressured or guilty.
  • Don’t assume that because your child is young that they don’t know themselves or their sexuality. While many people have same-sex experiences but go on to form heterosexual relationships, many also report knowing from a very young age that they were gay (I knew when I was 13). Try to take their coming out seriously.
  • You don’t want your son or daughter sneaking around and not telling you about their lives. Talk to them and encourage openness.
  • Be kind to yourself. It can be a big surprise to discover that your child is gay. It’s okay to hurt, to worry and to feel helpless. This is a time of change for you too.
  • Indulging stereotypes such as gay relationships being abuse-prone, gay people all adhering to a promiscuous lifestyle, and AIDS being the inevitable fate for all gay men, will only make you to feel worse. Throw stereotypes out the window. Your child can be happy as a gay person, and you can help. See myths and stereotypes where common misconceptions about homosexual people are discussed.
  • Remember that your child has not changed. There’s no secret society they’ve just joined or big gay uniform they’re going to wear. They are the same child you’ve raised and loved. The only difference is that they’ve been more honest with you than they’ve probably ever been, and told you something deeply personal, potentially at great risk to themselves. Your child may be scared of losing your love and support.
  • You haven’t failed as a parent because your child is gay, nor did you make your child gay somehow. Nothing you did or didn’t do during the life of your child has made them gay, just like nothing a parent does makes their child heterosexual. There was no switch you flicked on by mistake in your child’s mind. So whether you’re a single parent, dual parents or part of a large and close extended family - it’s not your fault.

This article was reposted from BGIOK.

News, Support & Advice

The Experiences of LGBT Students in Rural and Small Town Schools

Rural lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) students feel less safe, face heightened victimization and have fewer supportive resources than LGBT students in suburban and urban areas, according to Strengths and Silences: The Experiences of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Students in Rural and Small Town Schools, a new study released today by the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network (GLSEN). The report documents the experiences of more than 2,300 LGBT secondary students who attend schools in rural areas, using data collected from GLSEN’s 2011 National School Climate Survey.

“Strengths and Silences is the first in-depth look at the significant challenges faced by LGBT students in rural areas and small towns,” said GLSEN Executive Director Dr. Eliza Byard. “These students are frequently the most isolated - both physically and in terms of access to critical resources and support - and our findings require us to both honor their resilience and respond to their needs.”
Continue reading The Experiences of LGBT Students in Rural and Small Town Schools →

Reacting to Coming Out, Support & Advice

Helping Your Daughter Cope With Being Lesbian In Sports

Today’s tweens and teens are different. This may come as no surprise to you if you are a parent of one. What you might find surprising, however, is how much they know about some aspects of who they are at an early age, even while they struggle to figure out who they are as a whole person.

One thing on which they might be very clear early on is their sexuality.

A 1988 article in the Journal of Adolescent Health Care suggests that there are four developmental stages of homosexuality: sensitization, identity confusion, identity assumption, and commitment. A tween or teen may not only know they’re different from their peers in some way, but some of them may know the exact way they’re different: they may actually be able to tell you they know they’re lesbian.

Tips for parents

As a parent of a lesbian tween or teen, one of the things you will have naturally have to worry about is how your tween or teen daughter is going to do socially, not just at school and in general, but in extracurricular activities in particular, such as team sports.

Being different, unfortunately. exposes a young person to being singled out in a negative way, such as being bullied. Fortunately, however, there are some things you can do as a parent to minimize the chances that your tween or teen will become ostracized:

Educate yourself

Educate yourself on what it means to your tween or teen to say they identify as lesbian. For some, this means something very different than what it might mean to you. There is a normal period in the tween years where girls do get crushes on other girls and this is a normal part of sexual development. Be clear on the facts on being a lesbian teen so you aren’t arguing with your teen based on just your belief system. Remember, this is what the world does and it can make your tween not only doubt themselves, but it can make them feel like they have no support at home. This is when they are most susceptible to generating the negative voices that destroy self-esteem, which can ruin their academic, social and athletic performance.

Educate others

Once you really know what you’re talking about, you’re in a great position to educate others on your tween or teen’s behalf. You can help guide other adults in your tween’s life who may know less than you do. In doing so, you help them empower your tween, and other tweens going through the same identity and developmental issues. Remember, the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) Community makes up at least 10% of the U.S. population. There is another tween going through what yours is going through and they will benefit from the path you are creating.

Send positive messages

More often than not there is some disappointment parents might experience when they realize their teen or tween is a lesbian. This stems more from the fear of their child being hurt because of their sexual identity and the grieving process of whom you thought your tween was going to be. Once you process these emotions, it is of the utmost importance that you get on board with feeding your tween positive messages of who your tween is. Remember that she is still your lovable, athletic and smart tween from before she told you she was a lesbian; make sure they know you know that by reminding them with positive messages.

Many lesbian tweens are going to experience some of their worst abuse from the home, and this can spiral into acting out in negative ways, depression and suicidal behavior. Being a supportive and loving parent is still your job; you just have one more issue on which your tween might need you to advocate for them.

Take the chip off your shoulder

Not every negative remark your tween or teen hears is because they are a lesbian. They still need to be held accountable for poor sportsmanship or low academic performance when their behavior is the cause. Take the time to develop positive behaviors that allow your tween to socialize well while being a good sport and role model. Be sure your tween isn’t using the fact that they are different in such a controversial way as a means to have you garner them favors, like being first string when they should be practicing more, or getting more play time when they aren’t a very good team player.

Having a tween or teen with issues (e.g. eating disorders, anxiety, learning problems or a physical challenge) is not easy, but it is manageable, and parents find ways to get their tween’s issues integrated into normal activities all the time. The issue of your tween or teen’s sexuality is no different.

This article was reposted from MomsTeam.com

Coming Out, Support & Advice

Coming Out May Have Mental, Physical Benefits

A new study finds that openly acknowledging one’s sexual orientation is more than just a societal question, but an action with an impact on public health.

Researchers affiliated with the University of Montreal say lesbians, gays and bisexuals (LGBs) who have “come out” have lower stress hormone levels and fewer symptoms of anxiety, depression, and burnout.

Not disclosing sexual orientation, it turns out, leads to chronic stress and a buildup of the stress hormone cortisol which results in wear and tear on multiple biological systems. Taken together, this strain is referred to as “allostatic load.”

“Our goals were to determine if the mental and physical health of lesbians, gay men and bisexuals differs from heterosexuals and, if so, whether being out of the closet makes a difference.

“We used measures of psychiatric symptoms, cortisol levels throughout the day, and a battery of over twenty biological markers to assess allostatic load,” explained lead author and doctoral student Robert-Paul Juster.

“Contrary to our expectations, gay and bisexual men had lower depressive symptoms and allostatic load levels than heterosexual men. Lesbians, gay men, and bisexuals who were out to family and friends had lower levels of psychiatric symptoms and lower morning cortisol levels than those who were still in the closet.”

For the study, Montrealers of diverse sexual orientations were invited to the laboratory of Sonia Lupien, Ph.D., director of the Centre for Studies on Human Stress.

Lupien’s team recruited 87 men and women, all of whom were around 25 years of age.

Over the course of several visits, the researchers collected psychological questionnaires, asked participants to provide saliva samples to measure cortisol over two days, and calculated allostatic load indices using results from blood, saliva, and urine samples.

“Chronic stress and misbalanced cortisol levels can exert a kind of domino effect on connected biological systems,” Lupien said. “By looking at biomarkers like insulin, sugar, cholesterol, blood pressure, adrenalin, and inflammation together, an allostatic load index can be constructed and then used to detect health problems before they occur.”

Researchers believe stigma-related stress might force LGBs to develop coping strategies that make them more effective at managing future stressors.

“Coming out of the closet is a major milestone in lives of LGBs that has not been studied extensively using interdisciplinary approaches that assess stress biomarkers” said co-author Nathan Grant Smith, Ph.D.

The findings underline the role self-acceptance and disclosure has on the positive health and well-being of LGBs, according to the researchers. In turn, this has important implications for ongoing political debates.

“Coming out might only be beneficial for health when there are tolerant social policies that facilitate the disclosure process,” said Juster.

“Societal intolerance during the disclosure process impairs one’s self-acceptance that generates increased distress and contributes to mental and physical health problems.”

Experts say the evidence is compelling that society must remove all stigmas associated with sexual orientation if the desire is to truly improve the health and well-being of all citizens.

Juster believes that “coming out is no longer a matter of popular debate but a matter of public health. Internationally, societies must endeavour to facilitate this self-acceptance by promoting tolerance, progressing policy, and dispelling stigma for all minorities.”

This article was reposted from PsychCentral.com

Reacting to Coming Out, Support & Advice

5 Things You Should Not Do When Your Child Tells You He is Gay

I have been blessed. I have amazing parents, amazing children, and now I have an amazing partner to share them with. When I told my mother I was gay, I was prepared for the worst. I told her over the phone because she lives more than a thousand miles away. I asked if she was sitting down, and if she was near anything sharp. When I told her that the new person in my life was a woman, my news was met with silence. After a moment, she asked, quite innocently, “Oh, is that why I needed to be sitting down?” She couldn’t wait to hear all about my new love and was thrilled that I was so happy.

Unfortunately, we hear a lot more about the parents and families who aren’t quite so accepting. Teens, especially, are often injured by parents who literally disown the, throwing them out of the house for simply being brave enough to admit who they are, and trusting enough that their parents will love them anyway.

The following is a list of 5 things you should never, ever do when your child tells you he or she is gay.

Do not fight, yell, or scream - at least, not in front of your teen

I am not perfect, and I am working on the reasonable assumption that you aren’t either. Learning that your child is gay, even if you’ve suspected as much and denied it for years, can be a shock. You have every right to be upset, worried or confused. There is no reason to be upset that your child is gay, but there is the loss of your belief system to deal with. Initially, you may jump to the conclusion that you will not have grandchildren (this is a misconception, as adoption and surrogacy are viable options), or you may immediately worry about HIV/AIDS or other STDs. You have the right to scream a little. Your whole world just changed, too. Just, don’t do it in front of your child. Right now, your child needs a hug. You can cry, if you really feel the need to, later. Then, educate yourself. You’ll be surprised what the truth can do to alleviate fear.

Do not belittle, judge, or censure

Your child, simply by trusting you, has exhibited great strength. He or she, even if they are upset or confused by their own sexuality, deserves praise for their courage. If you are adamantly against what you perceive as a lifestyle choice, offer them your support for coming to you with the truth of who they are. Here is another truth: “Pray the Gay Away” and other religious based so-called rehabilitation programs don’t work. The graduates of these programs struggle with the guilt they feel for their homosexuality (often referred to by these programs as “same sex attraction”) for the rest of their lives. They are still gay, but they have had their right to happiness stolen from them. This is belittling in the highest degree.

Do not blame yourself

Homosexuality is not a birth defect. Your child isn’t gay because you drank soda or smoked a little while you were pregnant. That celebratory glass of champagne you had on New Year’s Eve had nothing to do with it. Your child is gay because that’s who they are. You are no more responsible for it than your other child’s heterosexuality. Your child needs support and love. He doesn’t need to worry about you, although he probably will anyway. Try to keep the reasons he must worry about you to a minimum while he sorts through the very serious life lessons he’s about to learn.

Do not blame your child

Just as your child’s homosexuality is not your fault, neither is it their fault. As a lesbian woman, I can say that we are all born the way we are. We have a soul and a path through life that is unique to all of us. If your child’s journey includes being gay, so be it. There is no fault to be found. The best thing you can do for your child is to come to terms with that fact that he or she is gay, and, above all, remember they are still your child.

Do not disown them, kick them out or turn them out

According to a report released by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, up to 40% of homeless teens in this country identify as gay or lesbian. Gay and lesbian teens report being abused, belittled and threatened in shelters, by both staff and other residents. Many of the youth choose to avoid shelters and live on the street, controlling their own destinies, even if that means prostitution, drugs and alcohol abuse, and in some cases, suicide. But we’re not talking about anonymous numbers, here. We’re talking about your child. The baby you held in your arms when she was born; the one you promised you would always love and take care of. If you choose to turn your child out, keep in mind that there is no miraculous, loving home that will take her in. No, they will more than likely find their way into a dangerous subculture of violence and abuse.

I look forward to a time when a child coming out as gay is not an issue for families, friends, schools or anyone else. I look forward to a time when children aren’t banished not only for who they are, but because they had the courage not to deny it. I look forward to a time when acceptance is neither desired nor required, because the entire issue is a non-issue. That day is coming, but in the meantime, our very dangerous world requires bravery from her people, and courage starts with you.

This article was reposted from Yahoo Voices.